Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 New York Yankees

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face.

The Detroit SUPERTEAM opened the season losing two of three in sloppy fashion to the Minnesota Twins. As we all know, losing two of three to the current incarnation of the Twins is like losing ten in a row to any other team. They hope their fortunes will change as they open Comerica Park with their favorite team to sweep in the playoffs, ESPN’s knights in shining armor, the New York Yankees.
Home City: New York City, New York (The Bronx)

City Known For: Cultural capital of the world. NY is the home of Broadway, the United Nations Headquarters, Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, and the world’s largest collection of homeless people urinating in the streets. Also, I’m told they are known for having large apples?

Home Park: (New) Yankee Stadium

Field Known For: Expensive luxury seats, drunken fans chanting the names of each player before the game, and right field seats which are approximately 120 feet from home plate.
Fanbase: The Yankee fanbase, for the most part, can be broken into two categories. The first is the native New Yorker that is loud, entitled, and has a 85% chance of being named Joey or Vinny. They believe that Derek Jeter is the son of God and that everything wrong in the world comes from the city of Boston. (They may be right about the second part.) 

The second group of Yankee fans are the front-running pricks that can’t name more than three guys on the roster. They just root for the Yanks because they are the most popular and heavily covered team in baseball by the media. They also actively cheer for the Los Angeles Lakers and Dallas Cowboys. If you meet one of these cretins, do us all a favor and castrate them with a pocketknife.

Formerly: Baltimore Orioles, New York Highlanders

Hall of Famers (as Yankees): Yogi Berra, Earle Combs, Joe DiMaggio, Bill Dickey, Whitey Ford, Lou Gehrig, Lefty Gomez, Joe Gordon, Goose Gossage, Waite Hoyt, Miller Huggins, Reggie Jackson, Tony Lazzeri, Mickey Mantle, Joe McCarthy, Herb Pennock, Phil Rizzuto, Red Ruffing, Babe Ruth, and Casey Stengel.

Five Reasons to Hate the Yankees: 

1. ESPN and the media in general masturbating all over your TV screen any time the Yankees do anything.
2. Their obscene payroll dwarfing every other team in MLB and the perception that they try and buy a championship each season.
3. Everything Alex Rodriguez does.
4. The whole idiotic idea of “TRUE Yankees”.
5. The Steinbrenner family is a group of awful human beings. 

Best Players: Robinson Cano, CC Sabathia, Mariano Rivera 

Glad They’re Gone: From the team: Nick Swisher. To the disabled list: Derek Jeter, Curtis Granderson, Mark Teixeira, and Phil Hughes. 

Funniest Offseason Signing: Acquiring Vernon Wells from the Angels and agreeing to pay nearly $14 million of his remaining salary. Getting Travis Hafner and Brennan Boesch was kinda funny, too.

Former Tigers: Curtis Granderson, Brennan Boesch
Most Annoying Yankee in History: Derek Jeter, but it’s not his fault. I actually admire the guy. But the way the media fucking FAWNS over every single thing the guys does makes me want to slaughter Joe Buck’s entire family. Just once, I want someone on television to admit that no player in history has benefited more from “right place, right time” than Derek Jeter. If the Yankees didn’t draft him, he’d be a prettier Michael Young. DJ’s a great player, Hall of Fame bound for sure, but he’s not half as good as the McCarvers and Bermans of the world make him out to be.

First runner up: A-Rod for being such a douchebag. 

Team Strength: Payroll

Team Weakness: Father Time

Stupidest Name on Roster: Joba Chamberlain

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Joba”: An unattractive person that one wakes up to after a heavy night of drinking. 

Used in a Sentence: “After all of those shots I did last night, you should have seen the size of the nasty JOBA I woke up pinned under this morning, bro.” 

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I would kill any of you in a heartbeat to be Derek Jeter for a weekend. Dude has the perfect life. 

2013 Probable Outlook: Not good. Age and especially injuries have crippled the Bronx Bombers at the start of the season. With Tampa, Toronto, and even Baltimore looking younger and better, the Yanks might be fighting to even finish third this year. It’s glorious to watch, isn’t it?

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