Friday, April 26, 2013
The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Atlanta Braves
After one win for Detroit, one for KC, and one for THE RAIN GODS, your heroes of Motown are 10-10 after 20 games. Just like last year. But PANIC anyway. Don't let me stop you. And welcome back, Papa Grande. The section of the fanbase that doesn't have a memory longer than ten minutes may hate you. But I'm pulling for you, you goofy bastard.
Up next on the schedule is the Atlanta Braves (also known as the #BARVES). They've been the best team in the NL to start the season so far. Luckily, the NL is terrible. Maybe we can start one of those...what are they...oh yeah, a winning streak.
Home City: Atlanta, Georgia
City Known For: Having the best strip clubs in the country. It's also in Georgia, which if you've ever driven to Florida from the north, is known for being the longest and most boring state to drive through. It seems ENDLESS. Eff you, Georgia.
Home Park: Turner Field
Field Known For: Originally being built for the 1996 Summer Olympics. Was later changed to a baseball stadium. Atlanta fans clamored for it to be named after the former home run king, Hank Aaron, but the organization felt the need to name it after its egomaniac owner at the time, Ted Turner, instead.
Fanbase: Southerners that like to pretend they are stereotypical Indians while doing their war chant. Classy.
Formerly: Boston Red Stockings, Boston Beaneaters, Boston Braves, Milwaukee Braves.
Hall of Famers (as Atlanta Braves): Hank Aaron, Phil Niekro.
Five Reasons to Hate the Braves:
1. We still have to hear endless debate on the Smoltz/Alexander deal. Move on, people.
2. America's Team, my ass.
3. Ted Turner is a awful human being.
4. The Chop.
5. While growing up, I used to watch NWA pro wrestling on TBS on Saturday evenings. Sometimes it wouldn't be shown because of a baseball game of one of those horrible 80's Braves teams. Young Rogo wanted to commit arson.
Best Players: Justin Upton, B.J. Upton, Craig Kimbrel
Glad They’re Gone: Michael Bourn. One less guy we have to worry about stealing at will against our bullpen that can't hold runners to save their lives. Of course, he's in Cleveland now and we'll be seeing him more often. More on that later, I guess.
Funniest Offseason Signing: I was going to say Paul Maholm, but I'll just go with NO COMMENT until further notice. Oh, wait. Gerald Laird got a two year deal from them. We'll go with Gerald Laird. Because Gerald Laird.
Former Tigers: Gerald Laird, Assistant Hitting Coach Scott Fletcher was a Tiger in 1995.
Most Annoying Brave in History: Atlanta originally introduced America to "Le Pew" himself, Jeff Francoeur, and he currently makes a living by throwing various Tigers out from right field for Kansas City. So we'll say him.
Team Strength: The Upton brothers and the best closer in baseball.
Team Weakness: Staying healthy. The injury bug has already claimed Jason Heyword and Brian McCann.
Stupidest Name on Roster: Tyler Pastornicky
TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for "Pastornicky": A hard candy loved by the elderly and despised by young children.
Used in a Sentence: "My son nearly choked to death when my grandmother gave him a PASTORNICKY to eat and now he hates the goofy old broad."
2013 Probable Outlook: I had them as a Wild Card team this year, but they're looking even better than that, so far. This team has the talent to win it all if the starting pitching continues to impress.