Monday, April 22, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Kansas City Royals

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

(Good gawd, are we ever going to play the same team a second time? Note to self: Check the schedule before starting a stupid gimmick on the blog.)

Well, the series in Los Angeles Anaheim went about as expected. We never win there. Yet the fanbase is busy crapping their pants over the team struggling for a couple games. In April. Because Tigers fans, that’s why.


Come back in September, you whiny, unrealistic halfwits. Anyway, up next are our old friends from Kansas City, the Royals. Is Billy Butler still there? Yes? Dammit…

Home City: Kansas City, Missouri

City Known For: The Chiefs, BBQ, and being named after a nearby state.

Home Park: Kauffman Stadium

Field Known For: The fountain and waterfall display in the outfield. It’s the largest privately funded fountain in the world, believe it or not. Kauffman Stadium was formerly known, until 1995, for having rock hard astroturf that made the playing field well over 100 degrees during the hottest months of the season.
Fanbase: George Brett and a couple people too lazy to drive to see the Cardinals.

Formerly: None. They were an expansion team in 1969 and were named after the annual livestock show, horse show, and rodeo held in KC called “The American Royal”.

Hall of Famers (as Royals): George Brett.

Five Reasons to Hate the Royals: 

1. If the Tigers are fighting for first place sometime in September, the Royals will be there to sweep them in a series.
2. You know how Cal Ripken distracted everyone from how good Alan Trammell was in the 80’s? Kansas City’s Frank White kind of did the same thing to Lou Whitaker.
3. The brawl between Mike Sweeney and Jeff Weaver in 2001. Actually, now that I don’t like the Weaver family, it’s not as bad today. Maybe Sweeney wasn’t such a bad guy.
4. The brawl where Kyle Farnsworth nearly killed Jeremy Affeldt in 2005. That one is also notable for being the only time in history that Jeremy Bonderman showed an emotion. Man, we're really due for another Tigers/Royals brawl...
5. Their manager’s name is “Ned”.

Best Players: Billy Butler, James Shields, Alex Gordon

Glad They’re Gone: Johnny Giavotella. He’s back in the minors. The little shit annoys me.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Traded SUPER PROSPECT Wil Myers to get James Shields, who is no doubt going to bail out of KC as soon as he can after next season. Would you trade the supposed next big thing in MLB for a guy that’s put up WARs of -1.5, 5.2, and 2.7 the past three years? And if yes, would you do it for a guy that's only under contract for one more season? If so, join Kansas City’s fanbase. They could use someone to make their group a full dozen.

Former Tigers: First base coach Rusty Kuntz played for the Tigers in 1984 and 1985.

Most Annoying Royal in History: 
Bruce Chen. He is awful. But he seems to kill the Tigers every year, right? NO! His career numbers against Detroit are 5-7 with a 5.15 ERA. How is that possible? He kills us, right? Or are we #TRIPPING? Last year, he was 1-4 against Detroit, but had a very good 3.52 ERA. In 2011, he was 2-0 against Detroit with a 2.45 ERA. So we got to him early in his career, but the better the Tigers get, the harder it is to hit Chen. Yes, Bruce Chen defines the word “annoying”.

Dishonorable mention #1: Billy Butler. Career vs Detroit: .331/.370/.474, 8 HR, 62 RBI in 99 games. Against Justin Verlander: 21/53 (.396) with 2 HR. Seriously…fuck that guy with a lawn dart.

Dishonorable mention #2: Ervin Santana. He sucks against everyone EXCEPT for Detroit. He’s like the Dominican Bruce Chen.

Dishonorable mention #3: Jeff Francoeur’s throwing arm. If Jhonny Peralta tests it again this year, I’m going to jump off a bridge.

Rod Allen’s write-in vote: Kila Ka’aihue. Because after multiple games and Mario Impemba correcting him dozens of times, Rod Allen still cannot say Kila Ka’aihue. I nearly soil myself every time he pronounces “Tuiasosopo” correctly. (Note: Ka’aihue is currently in the Arizona organization attempting to prove himself scrappy enough to play for Kirk Gibson.)

Team Strength: Solid all-around with a great bullpen.

Team Weakness: The starting rotation is still questionable. Expect them to shut Detroit out in two of the next three games now.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Jeff Francoeur

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Francoeur”: A French laxative.

Used in a Sentence: “Coach Lamont hadn’t taken a dump for a week until Skip told him to try a FRANCOEUR.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: For whatever reason, the Royals are the only team in the AL Central, other than the Tigers, that I don’t want removed from the sport of baseball.

2013 Probable Outlook: I have them finishing second to the Tigers this year in the Central. There’s so much potential with this team that they EVENTUALLY have to start putting it all together. Don’t they? Let's hope not.

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