Monday, April 15, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Seattle Mariners

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

Our Motown heroes just finished taking two of three from the hottest team in the American League, the Athletics. Again, the offense is looking very good while the bullpen is bowling shoe ugly. Hurry up, Papa Grande! We need you!

Up next is a trip to the Pacific Northwest, the land of constant rainfall and flannel shirt wearing emo kids. Yes, it’s a trip to Seattle and a series with the Mariners.

Home City: Seattle, Washington

City Known For: Rain. Birthplace of the grunge movement in the 90’s. Starbucks. Losing their NBA team.

Home Park: Safeco Park

Field Known For: Retractable roof, spacious outfield, art displays. Also goofy foods for a ballpark including sushi, burritos, stir-fry, garlic fries, health food, and seafood. Last, but not least...
SMOKING HOT BALL GIRLS! (Please let there still be smoking hot ball girls…and let them be at least 18 so Chris Hansen doesn’t visit me.)
Fanbase: Asian. Thus, the goofy foods for a ballpark.

Formerly: None. The city of Seattle and state of Washington sued the American League after the Seattle Pilots relocated to Milwaukee and became the Brewers. The new expansion Mariners began play in 1977.

Hall of Famers (as Mariners): None, though five Hall of Famers did spend time in Seattle. Expect Ken Griffey Jr and possibly Edgar Martinez to be HOF’ers as M’s one day. Maybe Randy Johnson, too?

Five Reasons to Hate the Mariners: 
1. More games starting after 10pm. I have a day job now, dammit! Good thing no one would notice if I slept all day.
2. Randy Johnson no-hitting the Tigers in 1990.
3. Giving us an injured/terrible Jarrod Washburn.
4. Forcing teams to play in The Kingdome, which had the chance of collapsing at any moment.
5. Owned by Nintendo (PS and/or Xbox snobs only).

Best Players: Felix Hernandez, Kendrys Morales, Franklin Gutierrez

Glad They’re Gone: Starting Pitcher Jason Vargas was traded to the Angels. Good.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Signed Jason Bay’s corpse to a contract. At least they’re only paying him a million. The Mets are paying him like $18 million to play in Seattle. Thus the “LOL Mets” meme.

Former Tigers: Charlie Furbush, Chance Ruffin (minors), Pitching coach Carl Willis was on the ’84 Tigers.

Most Annoying Mariner in History:  
Alvin Davis. This name may not be familiar to many of you, but in the 80’s, the Mariner first baseman feasted on Tiger pitching batting .304/.391/.498 with 14 home runs in 84 games. He made Young Rogo a sad panda on many occasions. Eff that guy.

Team Strength: King Felix.

Team Weakness: The offense still sucks. It seems Casper Wells wasn’t the answer, after all.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Charlie Furbush (more silly than stupid)

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Furbush”: Use your imagination, genius.

Used in a Sentence: “I gasped in surprise when I saw her massive 70’s FURBUSH.

Say Something Nice, Jerk: Ken Griffey Jr had the prettiest swing I’ve ever seen. Also, back to being owned by Nintendo, I was the first kid on my block to beat Mike Tyson in “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out”. I was awesome for about a week until another kid down the street beat him. I peaked too early in life, I guess.

2013 Probable Outlook: The horrible Houston Astros are the only thing keeping the Mariners from finishing last in the AL West this year. Don’t listen to Rod Allen when he babbles about the M’s being improved. He’s crazy. Rod's impressed when the sun rises each day.

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