Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Oakland Athletics

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 
The Tigers took two of three from the Blue Jays in a series that saw the Detroit offense show how amazing it can be when clicking and also how pathetic the bullpen can be when all goes wrong. I hope Brayan Villarreal gets shot with a crossbow and falls into a tar pit. 

Up next is the dreaded West Coast Road Trip starting with a trip to Oakland to face the A’s.

We’ll begin this preview after I look up who’s on Oakland’s roster this year. Who the hell are these guys? I thought Brandon Moss was dead…

Home City: Oakland, California

City Known For: Being San Francisco’s ugly little brother. Residents are often victims of police abuse. What’s left of the Raiders are still there, too.

Home Park: Coliseum

Field Known For: Extremely large foul territory. Being empty unless it’s the playoffs. Brad Pitt lived there for a while, I think.
Fanbase: The ones that show up rarely appear to shower.
I assume that dude is the Oakland equivalent to the Eat 'Em Up Tigers Guy.
Formerly: Philadelphia Athletics, Kansas City Athletics

Hall of Famers (as Oakland Athletics): Dennis Eckersley, Rollie Fingers, Rickey Henderson, Dick Williams. 

Five Reasons to Hate the A’s: 
1. Games that don’t start until after 10pm, our time.
2. They made Brandon Inge still think he could play.
3. They do more with little than any other team in MLB. If the 2003 Tigers were in Oakland, they would have somehow won 85 games.
4. David Purcey came from there.
5. I blame them for Jose Canseco’s Twitter account being popular.

Best Players: Josh Reddick, Yoenis Cespedes, Grant Balfour

Glad They’re Gone: Brandon McCarthy. I hate rooting against my favorite athlete on Twitter.

Funniest Offseason Signing: I do not dare mock Billy Beane. He’ll hypnotize DD into giving up Verlander for Coco Crisp or something.

Former Tigers: Scott Sizemore (RIP), Manager Bob Melvin was a Tiger in 1985. 
Most Annoying Athletic in History: Very few things in history were more annoying than watching Brandon Inge hit 2 homers against the Tigers last year, including a grand slam in their first meeting. I died a little that day.

Team Strength: Billy Beane, late inning comebacks

Team Weakness: Cheap ownership

Stupidest Name on Roster: Bartolo Colon

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Bartolo”: A lumpy mass resembling a tumor.

Used in a Sentence: “Poor Mike had to have a BARTOLO removed from his colon.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: When the Tigers were so awful in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I rooted for Oakland in the playoffs every year. I thought Jose Canseco and Dave Stewart were awesome. Today, I still think Stewart was the man. Jose…not so much.

2013 Probable Outlook: I can’t see them finishing ahead of Texas and the Angels this season. That being said, they’ll probably win 95 games when no one is looking and show up in the playoffs again. Don’t ever underestimate the A’s as long as Beane is around.

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