Up first is our old nemesis from South Canada, the Minnesota Twins.
Home City: Minneapolis, Minnesota
City Known For: Lakes, ice fishing, snow, Prince, live theater, being nice, funny Scandinavian accents.
Home Park: Target Field
Field Known For: Annoying center field camera, sapping Joe Mauer’s power, not being the Metrodome.
Fanbase: Reasonably harmless folks waiting for football season.
Formerly: Kansas City Blues, Washington Nationals, Washington Senators. Also formerly a good baseball team.
Hall of Famers (as Twins): Bert Blyleven, Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew, Kirby Puckett
Five Reasons to Hate the Twins:
1. Game 163
2. The 1987 ALCS
3. They gave us Delmon
4. Joe Mauer’s sideburns
5. Game 163 again because it was the worst thing ever
Best Players: Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham, Post-Concussion Justin Morneau
Glad They’re Gone: Denard Span, Ben Revere
Funniest Offseason Signing: Kevin Correia, 2 years, $10 million
Former Tigers: Casey Fien, Wilkin Ramirez
Most Annoying Twin in History:
Nick Fucking Punto
Team Strength: When Mauer bats.
Team Weakness: Everything else.
Stupidest Name on Roster: Trevor Plouffe.
TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Plouffe”: A French suppository.
Used in a Sentence: “Pierre’s hemorrhoids were treated with a massive PLOUFFE in his rectum.”
Say Something Nice, Jerk: I kinda liked Kent Hrbek.
2013 Probable Outlook: Dreadful. The starting rotation is a joke. They will fight it out with the Astros to be the worst team in the American League.