Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Minnesota Twins

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face.

Up first is our old nemesis from South Canada, the Minnesota Twins.

Home City: Minneapolis, Minnesota

City Known For: Lakes, ice fishing, snow, Prince, live theater, being nice, funny Scandinavian accents.

Home Park: Target Field

Field Known For: Annoying center field camera, sapping Joe Mauer’s power, not being the Metrodome.

Fanbase: Reasonably harmless folks waiting for football season.

Formerly: Kansas City Blues, Washington Nationals, Washington Senators. Also formerly a good baseball team.

Hall of Famers (as Twins): Bert Blyleven, Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew, Kirby Puckett

Five Reasons to Hate the Twins:
1. Game 163
2. The 1987 ALCS
3. They gave us Delmon
4. Joe Mauer’s sideburns
5. Game 163 again because it was the worst thing ever
Best Players: Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham, Post-Concussion Justin Morneau

Glad They’re Gone: Denard Span, Ben Revere

Funniest Offseason Signing: Kevin Correia, 2 years, $10 million

Former Tigers: Casey Fien, Wilkin Ramirez

Most Annoying Twin in History:
Nick Fucking Punto

Team Strength: When Mauer bats.

Team Weakness: Everything else.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Trevor Plouffe.

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Plouffe”: A French suppository.

Used in a Sentence: “Pierre’s hemorrhoids were treated with a massive PLOUFFE in his rectum.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I kinda liked Kent Hrbek.

2013 Probable Outlook: Dreadful. The starting rotation is a joke. They will fight it out with the Astros to be the worst team in the American League.

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