Tuesday, April 9, 2013

HE'S BACK!



Oh, happy day. Bill Simonson is writing about theTigers again. And of course, everything he says is wrong. Just like water is wet and skies are blue.

Baseball season has officially begun. For the first time since switching over to TigerSnark from DNR, let's have some fun with our buddy Huge.


Are the Tigers as good as we all think they are?

Only a complete idiot would answer that question just one week into the season.

Yes.

I rest my case.

What is scary, though, is that, a week into the season, Jim Leyland’s fingerprints are all over this team.

Oh, dear. Someone please ask Don Kelly to show them where on the doll mean ‘ol Jimbo touched him. 

I thought this roster was Leyland-proof, for the most part. He’s back at it again, pulling starters early in the first two games,

Game One: Removed Justin Verlander after 91 pitches where he showed little command in the 35 degree weather.

Game Two: Removed Anibal Sanchez after 95 pitches where he showed little command in the 46 degree weather.

It was their first starts of the season. It was very cold. What did you expect from them? 140 pitches right out of the gate? With the money the team just sunk into both of them? Are you mental?

making questionable bullpen calls in three of the games

Every bullpen move ever made in the history of the game is “questionable”. Coke pitching in the ALCS against the Yankees was “questionable”, but it worked. If Benoit or Dotel was the one coughing up the game in Minnesota, you would have called it “questionable”. Because you are a dipshit that represents the worst in sports fans and the media.

I bet Iott and Schmehl weep when they see their columns sharing space with yours.

and, for some reason, resting half of the lineup with Justin Verlander pitching Sunday. 

Of course, Huge is full of shit here again. Two starters got the day off. Two…not half. One, Alex Avila, was up all night watching his daughter be born. What a dick that Leyland is for giving him the day off after that and him starting the first five games of the season behind the plate. The other, Jhonny Peralta, is 1 for 17 in his career against the Yankee starter on Sunday, CC Sabathia, with 5 strikeouts. His replacement, Ramon Santiago, has 8 career hits against CC including a home run. Makes sense to me to make the switch.

If by “half of the lineup” you’re including Andy Dirks, too, well, again you’re a goddamn moron. Everyone knows that Matt Tuisosopo will start in left field against lefties. And Matt went 2-2 off Sabathia on Sunday. So suck Leyland’s withered balls.

What team needs rest a week into a season when they have two days off? 

What team took a rest a week into the season? Everyone played like crap on Sunday. Tip your cap to CC and move on. He’s only the second best pitcher in the American League.

The Tigers split the first six games when I think they should’ve won five of them. 

Because…science?

Leyland made last year more difficult than it should’ve been. I sense he’s going down that same path again in 2013. 

Most people have senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Bill has a sixth sense. It’s called “bullshit”.

Sure, some of you are screaming at me right now that it’s early, cold and there’s a lot of baseball left to be played. I heard that last spring, and the Tigers almost missed the playoffs. 

Winning the division by three games and making the World Series is almost missing the playoffs.

I’m not panicking. I just think Leyland is brutal at managing his pitching, and his throwaway Thursday and Sunday games tend to let other teams hang around in pennant races longer than they should. 

Like 2011 when the Tigers won the AL Central by 15 games.

This is a top-five payroll team.

They’re fifth, behind the Yankees, Dodgers, Phillies, and Red Sox. No one alive is giving three of those four teams much of a chance at making the playoffs. Because payroll does not always equal talent.

I’m sure Bill is a prime example of that, assuming he makes more than a nickel per year to do his radio show.

Nobody in the American League Central should be within 10 games of the Tigers at the end of the season.

Again. Science. And ignoring the lack of a closer, the questions about Dirks/Tuisosopo over a full year in left, whether Victor can fully come back, the need for Peralta and Avila to rebound, another team exceeding expectations (which happens every year), and hoping that everyone on the Tigers stays healthy.

Ignore all that and they should win the division by THIRTY games!

Never change, Bill. This blog wouldn’t be the same without your nonsense.

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