Drew Smyly or Rick Porcello? Is Bruce Rondon ready to close or not? (Insert stupid team) is linked to the Tigers for Porcello but the deal isn’t good enough because who the hell knows for real? Don Kelly should make the team because he’s ultra scrappy and nice to reporters and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Spring Training is the worst.
And ONCE AGAIN, it’s up to Your Party Host here at TigerSnark to draw attention to the real important issues of the day in Tigerland. You see, there have been some new additions to the organization that the silly beat writers have chosen not to focus on, for some reason. We deserve to know what we’re getting with these new folks, dammit! Are the writers afraid? Are they not talented enough? Answer me, Iott! We want the truth, Mowery! Where you at, Henning?
Of course, I’m talking about the new Fox Sports Detroit Girls.
Let’s review. First, there were two. Lauren and Allison. Here is Lauren, if you have a short memory and/or smoke a lot of weed.
After that, there were three because it seems FSD Girling is too much work for only a pair of them. I think the new one’s name was Megan. She didn’t last long for some reason (looking at YOU Ricky P), so it doesn’t really matter. Now, Allison’s off to wherever FSD Girls go when they die and we now have Brittney and Stephanie in the mix to appear at Michigan hardware store ribbon cuttings and in those fun commercials running from the bullpen or whatever. Here they are.
How nice. Over at the Fox Sports site, they have profiles on each of the girls from all over the country. Check them out if you’re bored. There are pics of all 26 Fox Sports Girls and little info sections on each where they answer silly questions. Fox Sports Wisconsin Girl Sage is especially adorable and would look nice
in my car’s trunk across the dinner table.
Giggidy. No way she’s really from Wisconsin. I’ve been there. Sage was not around. Anyway, ugly people tell me you can’t judge a book by its cover. So today, we will ignore looks (though for the record it goes Lauren, Stephanie, then Brittney) and take a look at the questionnaire answers the girls (allegedly) gave on the Fox Sports Website. Let’s see what these Fox Sports Detroit Girls are really made of. We’ll hear their answers, compare them to the ideal answer to the question, and assign points based on the best answer given.
There can be only ONE Alpha FSD Girl! Onto the questions. Note: I have abbreviated several answers to save space. Sometimes these girls just be yappin’ on and on, AMIRITE?
Lauren: Farmington Hills, MI
Brittney: Bloomfield Hills, MI
Ideal Answer: Ann Arbor, because Ann Arbor is fun as hell.
Winner: Stephanie. Because you can’t spell “Essexville” without “sex” and I have the brain of a hyperactive 13 year old boy.
2. High School Attended?
Lauren: Mercy High School
Brittney: Avondale High School
Stephanie: Garber High School
Ideal Answer: Who cares about high school? Where are we…Texas?
Winner: Stephanie because I remember ex-Brave pitcher Gene Garber and he had an awesome pitching motion.
3. College Attended?
Lauren: Oakland University
Brittney: Michigan State (Go Green!)
Stephanie: Michigan State
Ideal Answer: Notre Dame
Winner: Brittney. I admire her school spirit.
4. What is your sign?
Ideal Answer: Astrology is for mental patients.
Winner: Stephanie, because I was born in May, too. It’s SCIENCE, people!
5. Sports you play/played?
Lauren: Tennis, was more of a dancer (pole?)
Brittney: Track, cheerleading (not a sport), basketball, skiing, swimming
Stephanie: Ballet (?), tennis and softball in grade school
Ideal answer: Softball and/or mud wrestling.
Winner: Brittney. At least she played real sports.
6. Favorite thing about Detroit?
Lauren: Cultural melting pot!
Brittney: The hard working, loyal people
Stephanie: How invested Detroiters are in helping the city succeed
Ideal answer: Eat ‘Em Up Tigers Guy
Winner: Lauren. Greektown rules.
7. Favorite Restaurant in Detroit?
Lauren: Joe Muers
Brittney: Union Street
Stephanie: Slows BBQ
Ideal Answer: Fuck if I know. Somewhere with a nice beer selection. Not Hockeytown. Their food is garbage.
Winner: Stephanie. Really, Lauren? Seafood? Ugh.
8. Favorite Detroit Sports Memory?
Lauren: Tigers sweeping the Yankees last year
Brittney: 2008 Red Wings Championship Parade
Stephanie: Game Four, 2006 ALCS
Ideal Answer: Game Four, 2006 ALCS
Winner: Stephanie! I may be falling in love. Get a restraining order, just in case, honey.
9. Greatest Sports Moment or Memory
Lauren: Pistons beating Lakers in 2004 NBA Championship
Brittney: Attending 2009 NCAA Final Four
Stephanie: MSU vs Wisconsin in 2011
Ideal Answer: Again, Game Four, 2006 ALCS
Winner: Hmm. The Pistons are stupid. In Brit’s game, MSU lost to North Carolina, so she could have chosen wiser. Steph’s MSU/Wisconsin contest was the game where Kirk Cousins connected on a Hail Mary to stun #4 Wisconsin on the game’s final play. So Stephanie easily wins this one. Wisconsin isn’t good for anything. Except for Fox Sports Wisconsin Girl Sage, of course.
10. Favorite Sports Team?
Lauren: Red Wings
Brittney: Lions (hahahaha…)
Ideal Answer: Tigers
Winner: Stephanie is running away with this so far. Get rid of the other two, I say.
11. What music is playing in your car right now?
Lauren: Ne-yo & Kendrick Lamar
Brittney: Beyonce, Frank Ocean, Taylor Swift, 2 Chainz, Paramore
Ideal Answer: I am not in my car. So none, I guess.
Winner: There are no winners here. Yikes. At least none of them said fucking Maroon 5. Or Train.
12. Favorite TV Show?
Lauren: Ellen DeGeneres, Chopped, Barefoot Contessa, anything food related
Brittney: Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal
Stephanie: Girls, Downtown Abbey, How I Met Your Mother
Ideal Answer: Arrested Development
Winner: Lauren. I love Restaurant Nightmares, Restaurant Impossible, and Bar Rescue. Those are food related, I guess.
13. Most important quality you look for in a man?
Stephanie: Sense of humor
Ideal Answer: Dick joke baseball blog
Winner: Stephanie. Close enough.
14. Celebrity or athlete you’d most want to go on a date with?
Lauren: Leonardo Dicaprio or Ryan Gosling
Brittney: Ryan Gosling
Stephanie: Ryan Reynolds
Ideal Answer: Bobby Higginson
Winner: Stephanie. Waiting > The Notebook.
15. If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be?
Lauren: My late grandma
Brittney: Oprah Winfrey
Stephanie: Mother Teresa
Ideal Answer: The mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? or Ryan Field.
Winner: Lauren. By a landslide. I do have a heart, you know.
16. The one item you could not live without?
Lauren: Coffee or eyeliner
Brittney: My iPad
Stephanie: My iPhone
Ideal Answer: Oxygen
Winner: None. Grow the fuck up. And Lauren…eyeliner? Good gawd.
17. Last book you read?
Lauren: 50 Shades of Grey
Brittney: The Purpose Driven Life
Stephanie: Cutting for Stone
Ideal Answer: Anything but fucking 50 Shades.
Winner: Brittney and Stephanie (tie). The girl version of “Dear Penthouse” letters should not be considered a book.
18. Favorite movie?
Lauren: Disney movies, Man On Fire, City of God, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sex and the City
Brittney: Bad Boys II
Stephanie: Pretty Woman
Ideal Answer: Major League
Winner: Stephanie would have won with anything after Sex and the City and Bad Boys II, for crissakes. Well, anything but Twilight. And Pretty Woman isn’t bad. I do enjoy walking up to random people with crumpled cash in my hands and say “I have all this money and NO DRESS.” The reactions are always priceless.
19. Most exotic place you have visited?
Brittney: Montego Bay, Jamaica
Stephanie: Vancouver, BC
Ideal Answer: Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama…
Winner: I’m going with Lauren here. Dubai is a good answer. What the hell was she doing in Dubai? Do they have Fox Sports Dubai Girls? They should.
20. Kid Rock or Eminem?
Stephanie: (Didn’t Answer)
Ideal Answer: Fuck Kid Rock. With a poison-tipped pine cone.
Winner: None. “Fuck Kid Rock” is the only acceptable answer here.
21. Something people don’t know about you?
Lauren: I’m shy.
Brittney: I’m a homebody at heart.
Stephanie: Was on the MSU dance team.
Ideal Answer: Have a fetish for guys in Higginson jerseys.
Winner: Stephanie. I’m not sure what the purpose of a college dance team really is, but I’m sure it would amuse me while I’m drinking heavily.
22. When friends visit, where’s the first place you take them in Detroit?
Lauren: To a game
Brittney: Henry Ford Museum
Stephanie: A Tigers game and Slows
Ideal Answer: Tigers game
Winner: Stephanie is a smart girl. Be more specific next time, Lauren. No one wants to go to a Pistons game. That would be terrible.
So that’s 13 for Stephanie, 4 for Lauren, and 3 for Brittney. Stepanie is, by far, the Alpha Fox Sports Detroit Girl. And though Lauren barely edged Brittney in correct answers, many of her incorrect ones would be enough for me to arrange for her body to never be found. Out with the old, in with the new, I say.
But all of them are still more welcome than The Good Luck Joes and that “April in the D” horseshit. Please tell me we won’t be rehashing that again this year, FSD. Be better than that.
You may now all resume your horrible Spring Training talk. Get a hold of me when the regular season starts.e Tigers for Porcello but the deal isn'