Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tigers Go 0 for 3 in Final Position Player Roster Cuts

(Leyland pretending to think via The Detroit News)
Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time defending the decisions of Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski. I think it’s obvious that they know more about baseball and the Detroit Tigers than any of us goofball fans ever will. That’s why they have their jobs and we have ours. And people LOVE to get on the “Fire Leyland” and/or “Dumbrowski” kicks whenever the team goes on a three game losing streak or whatever. That’s the easy thing to do. So I always try to look at things from their perspective and rationalize their decisions the best I can. Somebody should in this cesspool that is the internet.

But the final Opening Day roster cuts have me mystified this year. I mean, I’ve looked at the decisions made on the bench guys and I just don’t agree with any of them. They went 0 for 3, in my opinion.

Here’s why.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Only Possible Explanation for the Vernon Wells Trade

JERRY DIPOTO: (talking into phone) Cash, are you serious? Let me get this straight, one more time, just to make sure I’m getting this right. You want to take Vernon Wells off our hands. And you’re willing to kick in $14 million on the remaining salary?

BRIAN CASHMAN’S VOICE: That’s right, Jerry. Our team has some needs and we believe that we can turn Vernon back into the All Star he was in Toronto. Say the word and we’ll take him. No B.S. here, my friend.

DIPOTO: Okay, my friend. You’ve got a deal!

/hangs up

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Who is the Alpha Fox Sports Detroit Girl?

Drew Smyly or Rick Porcello? Is Bruce Rondon ready to close or not? (Insert stupid team) is linked to the Tigers for Porcello but the deal isn’t good enough because who the hell knows for real? Don Kelly should make the team because he’s ultra scrappy and nice to reporters and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Spring Training is the worst.

And ONCE AGAIN, it’s up to Your Party Host here at TigerSnark to draw attention to the real important issues of the day in Tigerland. You see, there have been some new additions to the organization that the silly beat writers have chosen not to focus on, for some reason. We deserve to know what we’re getting with these new folks, dammit! Are the writers afraid? Are they not talented enough? Answer me, Iott! We want the truth, Mowery! Where you at, Henning?

Of course, I’m talking about the new Fox Sports Detroit Girls.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Next Week, We Discuss Justin Verlander's Knuckleball

Is it a bad idea to try and convert Rick Porcello into a closer? Probably. But I’ve heard worse ideas. A person could make an educated argument that it’s not a bad idea, I guess.

This person is not Jerry Green of the Detroit News.

Yes, Detroit’s ancient cranky-pants retired (?) sportswriter is back with another of his rambling columns that show how out of touch he is with the team, baseball, and pretty much everything else. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Lot Can Change in Ten Years

Do you remember what you were doing ten years ago? I was living in the stumbling, drunken fog that was my early twenties. And one of the reasons that I lived in such a fog was the woeful Detroit Tigers baseball team of that time period. At least that’s what I tell myself now in order to deny my past alcoholism…

But yeah, it’s been ten years since the historically bad 2003 team. For those of you that weren’t on the Tigers bandwagon back then, it was hell. They finished 43-119 and those 119 losses are the most in American League history. Detroit finished 47 games behind the Twins in the AL Central. Only a 5-1 finish (and probably the threats of a painful death by coach Kirk Gibson) kept them from eclipsing the 1962 Mets for the most losses in MLB team history.

As a fan that barely missed watching the magical 1984 season by one year, I've spent many a miserable season watching this franchise struggle during the late eighties, all of the nineties, and the early 2000’s while waiting for a winner. Today, 2006 and 2012 have made it fun to be a Tigers fan again. And 2013, barring any severe injuries, could be the best one yet.

I look back in amazement on how far the team has come. From hopeless to preseason favorites. From disgrace to the class of the league. From Omar Infante to…Omar Infante. Well, you know what I mean.

Today’s bit is a look at how far we’ve come. Look back and appreciate what Mr. I, Double D, and the Marlboro Man have helped build in Detroit. Yeah, I make jokes, but I never forget where we’ve come from. Here’s a look at those ’03 hard luck kids and their ’13 juggernaut counterparts (with ’12 stats).

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

And Then There Was One

The Tigers released walking abortion of an outfielder Brennan Boesch today. With this move, overweight Detroit girls possessing low self esteem and even lower personal values will, no doubt, be weeping into their two-sizes-too-small Bren-Bren shirseys well into the night. Oh, happy day.

Your updated list of Tigers that Your Party Host would like to see thrown off of a mountain has been updated:

Nate Robertson
Juan Rincon
Dane Sardinha
Clete Thomas
David Purcey
Will Rhymes
Brad Thomas
Alfredo Figaro
Brad Penny
Brandon Inge
Don Kelly
Gerald Laird
Daniel Schlereth
Delmon Young
Brennan Boesch

OMG! Only one to go, kids. We are SO CLOSE to having a team that doesn’t have a guy I can’t stand. I never thought I’d live to see this day. We can do this, everyone! What a great time to be alive.

Well, unless Quintin Berry somehow makes the team, pisses me off one more time and makes the list…BUT SO CLOSE! Take Donnie to the vet and have him put down, Dombrowski! Make my dream come true!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Evil Plan Takes Shape

JHONNY PERALTA: Man, what a workout. I feeling good this year. Now I hungry. Wonder if there food in clubhouse...
PERALTA: Hey, that look pretty good. Is that potato soup? I not sure. Could be clams. I allergic to clams. I should probably not eat it. Wait, there a note by it.
PERALTA: This is my lucky day! Nom, nom, nom...

/20 minutes later

PERALTA: Uuuugh...something wrong. I gonna puke...who do this to me?

Friday, March 8, 2013

Burning Questions

As someone that devours information on the Tigers on a daily basis because I have no life, I grow more and more disappointed with the Detroit media each day. There are real questions that we, the fans, deserve to have answers to. I’m sick of them asking the wrong questions. Even worse, I’m sick of the boring questions.

I do not need to hear how everyone is in the “best shape of their life”. They are lying. I don’t care if Justin Verlander would look at Danny Worth differently or not if Danny liked to have sex with dudes. Asking about replacing Rondon after just a couple bad innings for the kid is just going to cause unrest in the idiot portion of the fanbase. And I’m sick of them playing “Boston media” and trying to start crap between guys like Dotel and Cabrera. It’s boring and annoying.

We need answers to some REAL questions, dammit. Questions like these:

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Drafting With Hindsight

I’m fond of calling the Detroit Tigers the worst drafting team in professional sports. The Tigers in my lifetime can sum up their draft history as “Justin Verlander and Several Hundred Cade Gaspars”. They’re just awful at it and it is proven each season when the experts routinely rank the Tigers as having one of the bottom five minor league systems in professional baseball. Every friggin’ year.

Over at Bless You Boys, the always great Patrick O’Kennedy (aka TigerDog to those who remember BYB before SB Nation sold out) has an interesting piece up about the odds of a draft pick making the majors. And it seems he’ll be following it up later on how the Tigers relate to it. But I thought I’d take a look back at some drafts and see how it could have gone for Detroit with the benefit of hindsight. Just for poops and giggles.

Obviously, no draft will be perfect. And I consider baseball to be, by far, the hardest sport to project how young players will turn out. But I find it interesting to see how close the Tigers were to getting some real talent over the years and only blow it by drafting some clown like Scott Moore instead.

So here’s a look at the last ten drafts that we should have reasonably seen some sort of impact on the MLB club (1999-2008) by now. I still think it’s too soon to completely crap on the 2009-2012 drafts. There’ll be plenty of time for that later, I’m sure.

Oh, one last thing on the hindsight part of this. No one could have seen a 13th round selected Albert Pujols or a 62nd round selected guy like Mike Piazza becoming the superstars they turned out to be. So I’m focusing the hindsight on guys that were drafted close to where the top three Tiger draftees were each season. I want this to be a reasonable look at what could have been.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Everyone Loves Donnie...Except Me, It Seems

This is what I get for not joining everyone in hating Lynn Henning. This headline:

He's back! Versatile Tiger Don Kelly again showing he has something to offer

Okay, I was wrong. You guys were right. Henning is officially on the list of Detroit writers that need to be thrown into an active volcano. We’ll just staple him to Mitch Albom. Here’s a link to the article.

Or we can just go through it together right here.