Monday, February 25, 2013

The Joy of Meeting Our Baseball Heroes



If you haven’t had an opportunity to read Chris Iott’s piece on the meeting of Tiger pitcher Phil Coke and Twitter mastermind @PhilCokesBrain, please click here and do so. Avoid the comments, as it wouldn't be mLive if there weren't horrible human beings there crapping all over it. But it’s a fantastic piece and I give massive props to Chris for getting the two together. As someone lucky enough to have met the real Mr. Brain and be on friendly terms with the guy, I’m thrilled that he got to meet the real Phil. I’m even more thrilled that the real Phil didn’t strangle him.

I thought back to the chance meetings I’ve had with big league players over the years. I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday, but I still remember meeting Alan Trammell when I was a child, talking to him for a minute, and getting his autograph. I fondly recall talking to Jamie Walker at a Tigerfest, Joel Zumaya getting in my face screaming in joy after winning the 2006 ALCS, and a player I won’t mention by name bumming a smoke and talking about baseball with me many years ago for a few minutes.

A not-so-great memory is the time Travis Hafner bellied up to a urinal next to me and whipped out Little Pronk for a piss. That was an odd one. Also, John Rocker flipped me off once. That was kinda funny.

My point is, we watch these guys every day over the course of a season and they become larger than life figures to us. Even a thirty second conversation with us regular folk is something we’ll remember for a lifetime.

And it got me to thinking. (Uh oh.) I started to imagine what would happen if I got to meet certain icons of the Detroit baseball scene and how the conversations might go. I present the product of those thoughts to you below.

ROGO: Sir, let me start out by saying what an honor it is to meet you.
JIM LEYLAND: (grumble)

ROGO: I may not always agree with you, but I have to admit what you’ve helped do for Tiger baseball the past seven years has been amazing.

LEYLAND: (spitting food) JesusChristIdon’thavetimeforthishorseshit...

ROGO: Now I wanted to ask you about the lineup. You ever consider switching Prince and Miggy and…

LEYLAND: GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!
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ROGO: What’s up, man? Glad you’re giving it another go. Good luck, dude.
JEREMY BONDERMAN: HELLOS. DO YOU WATCH “DORA”? SHE TALKS FUNNY LIKE MAGGLIO.

ROGO: Sorry, man. My kid’s a little old for Dora.

BONDERMAN: DARN. YOU WATCH “DOG WITH A BLOG”?

ROGO: Actually, my kid likes that one. I’ve seen it a couple times…

BONDERMAN: WHY NOT BONDO’S DOG TALK AND WRITE BLOG? I TRY WITH ‘DESE MANY (holds up ten fingers) DOGGIES AND NONES OF THEM TALK LIKE DOG ON THE TV BOX.

ROGO: Dude, I gotta go.

BONDERMAN: OKAYS. BONDO GONNA GO WATCH “DOG WITH A BLOG”. GOOD SHOW.

(Full Disclosure: I actually did meet Bondo and talk with him for a couple minutes back during his rookie year. Sadly, that conversation wasn’t a whole lot different than this one.)
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ROGO: Hello, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
LYNN HENNING: Well, well, well. You’re a fat one, aren’t you?

ROGO: Excuse me?

HENNING: That gut you’ve got there. Wow. Ever hear of working out, tubbo? Huh, fatty? Try eating a carrot, you bag of goo.

ROGO: Whatever, dick. I can’t believe I used to defend you. (storms off)
KATE UPTON: Excuse me, Mister. I need to get to the airport. Can you tell me the best way to get there?

HENNING: Hmm. You sure you’re not trying to find the nearest McDonald’s, Tons-of-Fun? Huh? Fatty? Fatty fatty fat fat? Hear me okay or are your ears clogged with gravy? Huh, Little Lady Love Handles?

UPTON: (runs off crying)
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(Fox Sports Detroit Studio)

ROGO: Please? Just let me touch it once. C’mon. I won’t mess it up. Just let me touch your hair so I know it’s real.
RYAN FIELD: Please go away before I call security.

ROGO: Fine. Jerk. How about you, honey? Can I touch your…
FSD GIRL LAUREN: OH MY GOD!

/sprays pepper spray in Rogo’s face

ROGO: Yeah, sorry. You get immune to that stuff after a while.

/shoots Rogo with taser

ROGO: Ahhh…well…played…
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ROGO: Nice to meet you, dude. Good luck this season. I think this is your year.
RICK PORCELLO: Sure, bro. You got a younger sister?

ROGO: No.

PORCELLO: Then I gotta go.
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(Inside abandoned warehouse)

ROGO: Hey, man. It’s a pleasure to meet you. No hard feelings, I hope? I’m glad you have a sense of humor. Every wannabe comedian needs a comic foil, right? I just want to let you know that I’ve got all the respect in the world for you and I wish you luck this year.
DON KELLY: Sure. Right. Guys?

(thugs run out and tie Rogo to chair)

ROGO: Dude! Are you serious?

KELLY: As a heart attack.

(Kelly dances around Rogo with a knife as “Stuck in the Middle With You” plays in background)

ROGO: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
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(Inside seedy strip club)

ROGO: Man, this is such an honor. I’m not the type to get star struck, but dude, you’re my favorite of all time. I can’t thank you enough for all you did as a Tiger.
BOBBY HIGGINSON: Piss off. I’m busy.

/stuffs crumpled single down stripper’s g-string

ROGO: Yes, sir!
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I don’t know about you, but that last one gives me chills. I can dream, right?

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