Detroit Tigers Survivor took place in February 2013 in the frigid, untamed wilderness of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, a land known for logging, mining, and the residents’ unnatural, creepy affection for large dogs. The show’s premise was to challenge the competitors to outwit, outplay, and outlast each other in a number of physical and mental contests. At the end of each of the planned twelve regular episodes, one of the contestants would be voted off the show by the others. The last person standing after the finale would be the winner of the grand prize: access to the stash of drugs used by the ad agency in charge of Little Caesar’s commercials.
Popular Fox Sports Detroit personality, and eight-time winner of the coveted Best Hair in Television award, Ryan Field was the host of the planned series.
Detroit Tigers Survivor Contestants
Michelle Damon (wife of ex-Tiger, Johnny Damon)
FSD Girl Allison
FSD Girl Lauren
Summary of Production Issues
Detroit Tigers Survivor got off to a difficult start as producers forgot that David Pauley existed and neglected to send him a plane ticket, thus eliminating him before the show even began. The thirteen contestants that did make it were informed that their first task was to make a ten mile hike into Hiawatha National Forest where they would find their initial campsite. At this point, Delmon Young was disqualified from the show for his stubborn refusal to walk. Ever.
Upon reaching their destination, the group was reduced to eleven, as Michelle Damon did not find the campsite “cosmopolitan” enough for her tastes and threw a hissy fit until she was removed from the area. Lloyd McClendon had no such qualms as he immediately fell asleep against a tree stump upon arrival. A moment of levity was provided by Jeremy Bonderman as within fifteen minutes, he complained of being thirsty and began consuming his own urine despite numerous amounts of fresh water available in local streams. Sadly, the competitors didn’t find it as amusing when an hour later, Bonderman said he wanted to “HUG THE FUZZY TEDDY” and was mauled into critical condition by one of the area’s local black bears. At the end of Day One, fourteen was down to ten…and the show didn’t have half of an episode filmed yet. It would only get worse.
The day began with plans to split the remaining Survivors into two tribes: “Kaline” and “Cobb”. However, upon daybreak, both FSD Girls had each contracted a painful STD (allegedly) from Rick Porcello and were forced to be taken to a medical facility. FSD producers decided to then put the eight remaining people into one tribe called “Magglio”.
Before the first immunity challenge began, hunger pains got the best of Prince Fielder and he ate Don Kelly, remembering a story of how tasty Kelly had supposedly smelled when Justin Verlander set the utility man on fire during the 2011 season. The loss of his beloved Kelly, along with severe nicotine withdrawal, forced Jim Leyland to drop out of the competition in a sea of tears, dropping the number of competitors to six.
Immunity Challenge #1
The first (and as it turned out, only) immunity challenge was then held. The winner of the challenge would not be eligible to be voted off at the end of the first episode. Fielder, McClendon, Boesch, Raburn, Trammell, and Porcello’s challenge was to hit a ball off of a tee and then run to a tree ninety feet away. Whoever hit the ball and touched the tree in the fastest time would have immunity.
Fielder smashed a monstrous shot into the U.P. wilderness and lumbered toward his targeted tree. However, the meal of Don Kelly made Fielder as nauseous as Kelly’s offense had made many Tiger fans over the years and he collapsed halfway to the tree. After much moaning and groaning, Prince was able to pass Kelly through his system and make it to his goal in a time of 22:14.
McClendon could not be woken from his latest nap and forfeited the immunity challenge.
Boesch took dozens of mighty cuts, but was not able to make contact with the ball on the tee. After a half hour, the decision was made for him to forfeit the challenge, too.
Raburn was next and fell down while walking toward the tee. After nearly ten minutes, and a helpful Ryan Field suggesting Raburn pretend it was August, he smoked a screaming line drive into the forest. After falling down again, Raburn took off, but in the wrong direction. He hasn’t been seen since, though shady scavengers from Cleveland, Ohio now claim to know of his whereabouts. The show was now down to five players halfway through the first immunity challenge, yet no one was willing to throw in the towel.
The legendary Trammell stepped up and took his cut. After an impressive liner the opposite way, the former Tiger shortstop bolted for his tree. Tragedy struck, however, as he slipped in Fielder’s Don Kelly droppings and ended up covered in waste. After jumping into a nearby lake to wash off, Trammell became the immunity challenge leader by reaching the tree at 14:38.
Porcello shrugged, scratched his privates for what seemed an eternity, and tapped a three foot weak grounder. He jogged to the tree in 0:43 and won the immunity challenge. Ironically, the pitcher had beaten the position players in a hitting and baserunning challenge.
At Tribal Council that evening, Trammell was voted off by each of the other competitors due to the smell that would not leave him. The classy Tram didn’t complain as he was just happy that someone was actually finally voting for him in something.
Only Fielder, McClendon, Boesch, and Porcello remained and the decision was made to cancel production of Detroit Tigers Survivor by FSD producers. The final four (well, three since McClendon was asleep again) made a group decision that a winner must be crowned, whether there be a grand prize and television program or not. The athletes had their pride, after all. Ryan Field agreed to stay on and help judge since his only alternative was to broadcast Pistons games, a fate that no sane person would voluntarily choose.
A buoy was placed 200 yards into a nearby lake. At Field’s whistle, the final four would run to the water, swim out to tag the buoy, and swim back. The first to return to the starting position would be declared the winner.
As the race began, Fielder collapsed to the ground in obvious pain. As we all know, just when you think you’ve gotten rid of Don Kelly, HERE HE FUCKING IS AGAIN. Fielder would die minutes later of dysentery.
Boesch and Porcello hit the water simultaneously and were neck and neck the first fifty yards. At that point, the simple-minded Boesch forgot how to swim and drowned.
Porcello reached the buoy and turned back toward certain victory, but at that moment a motorboat with a crew of three underage girls happened to pass by. Porcello disappeared swimming after the boat and the team is hopeful he will return by April.
McClendon was woken up by Field and notified that he was the winner by default.
“Legendary” Lloyd shrugged, let out a loud fart, and went back to sleep.
Yes. You waited over a month for this.
Welcome back. And welcome to Spring Training 2013.