Detroit Tigers Survivor took place in
February 2013 in the frigid, untamed wilderness of the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan, a land known for logging, mining, and the
residents’ unnatural, creepy affection for large dogs. The show’s
premise was to challenge the competitors to outwit, outplay, and
outlast each other in a number of physical and mental contests. At
the end of each of the planned twelve regular episodes, one of the
contestants would be voted off the show by the others. The last
person standing after the finale would be the winner of the grand
prize: access to the stash of drugs used by the ad agency in charge
of Little Caesar’s commercials.
Popular Fox Sports Detroit personality,
and eight-time winner of the coveted Best Hair in Television
award, Ryan Field was the host of the planned series.
Detroit Tigers Survivor
Contestants
Brennan Boesch
Jeremy Bonderman
Michelle Damon (wife of ex-Tiger,
Johnny Damon)
Prince Fielder
FSD Girl Allison
FSD Girl Lauren
Don Kelly
Jim Leyland
Lloyd McClendon
David Pauley
Rick Porcello
Ryan Raburn
Alan Trammell
Delmon Young
Summary of Production Issues
Day One
Detroit Tigers Survivor got off
to a difficult start as producers forgot that David Pauley existed
and neglected to send him a plane ticket, thus eliminating him before
the show even began. The thirteen contestants that did make it were
informed that their first task was to make a ten mile hike into
Hiawatha National Forest where they would find their initial
campsite. At this point, Delmon Young was disqualified from the show
for his stubborn refusal to walk. Ever.
Upon reaching their destination, the
group was reduced to eleven, as Michelle Damon did not find the
campsite “cosmopolitan” enough for her tastes and threw a hissy
fit until she was removed from the area. Lloyd McClendon had no such
qualms as he immediately fell asleep against a tree stump upon
arrival. A moment of levity was provided by Jeremy Bonderman as
within fifteen minutes, he complained of being thirsty and began
consuming his own urine despite numerous amounts of fresh water
available in local streams. Sadly, the competitors didn’t find it
as amusing when an hour later, Bonderman said he wanted to “HUG THE
FUZZY TEDDY” and was mauled into critical condition by one of the
area’s local black bears. At the end of Day One, fourteen was down
to ten…and the show didn’t have half of an episode filmed yet. It
would only get worse.
Day Two
The day began with plans to split the
remaining Survivors into two tribes: “Kaline” and “Cobb”.
However, upon daybreak, both FSD Girls had each contracted a painful
STD (allegedly) from Rick Porcello and were forced to be taken to a
medical facility. FSD producers decided to then put the eight
remaining people into one tribe called “Magglio”.
Before the first immunity challenge
began, hunger pains got the best of Prince Fielder and he ate Don
Kelly, remembering a story of how tasty Kelly had supposedly smelled
when Justin Verlander set the utility man on fire during the 2011
season. The loss of his beloved Kelly, along with severe nicotine
withdrawal, forced Jim Leyland to drop out of the competition in a
sea of tears, dropping the number of competitors to six.
Immunity Challenge #1
The first (and as it turned out, only)
immunity challenge was then held. The winner of the challenge would
not be eligible to be voted off at the end of the first episode.
Fielder, McClendon, Boesch, Raburn, Trammell, and Porcello’s
challenge was to hit a ball off of a tee and then run to a tree
ninety feet away. Whoever hit the ball and touched the tree in the
fastest time would have immunity.
Fielder smashed a monstrous shot into
the U.P. wilderness and lumbered toward his targeted tree. However,
the meal of Don Kelly made Fielder as nauseous as Kelly’s offense
had made many Tiger fans over the years and he collapsed halfway to
the tree. After much moaning and groaning, Prince was able to pass
Kelly through his system and make it to his goal in a time of 22:14.
McClendon could not be woken from his
latest nap and forfeited the immunity challenge.
Boesch took dozens of mighty cuts, but
was not able to make contact with the ball on the tee. After a half
hour, the decision was made for him to forfeit the challenge, too.
Raburn was next and fell down while
walking toward the tee. After nearly ten minutes, and a helpful Ryan
Field suggesting Raburn pretend it was August, he smoked a screaming
line drive into the forest. After falling down again, Raburn took
off, but in the wrong direction. He hasn’t been seen since, though
shady scavengers from Cleveland, Ohio now claim to know of his
whereabouts. The show was now down to five players halfway through
the first immunity challenge, yet no one was willing to throw in the
towel.
The legendary Trammell stepped up and
took his cut. After an impressive liner the opposite way, the former
Tiger shortstop bolted for his tree. Tragedy struck, however, as he
slipped in Fielder’s Don Kelly droppings and ended up covered in
waste. After jumping into a nearby lake to wash off, Trammell became
the immunity challenge leader by reaching the tree at 14:38.
Porcello shrugged, scratched his
privates for what seemed an eternity, and tapped a three foot weak
grounder. He jogged to the tree in 0:43 and won the immunity
challenge. Ironically, the pitcher had beaten the position players in
a hitting and baserunning challenge.
At Tribal Council that evening,
Trammell was voted off by each of the other competitors due to the
smell that would not leave him. The classy Tram didn’t complain as
he was just happy that someone was actually finally voting for him in
something.
Day Three
Only Fielder, McClendon, Boesch, and
Porcello remained and the decision was made to cancel production of
Detroit Tigers Survivor by FSD producers. The final four
(well, three since McClendon was asleep again) made a group decision
that a winner must be crowned, whether there be a grand prize and
television program or not. The athletes had their pride, after all.
Ryan Field agreed to stay on and help judge since his only
alternative was to broadcast Pistons games, a fate that no sane
person would voluntarily choose.
A buoy was placed 200 yards into a
nearby lake. At Field’s whistle, the final four would run to the
water, swim out to tag the buoy, and swim back. The first to return
to the starting position would be declared the winner.
As the race began, Fielder collapsed to
the ground in obvious pain. As we all know, just when you think
you’ve gotten rid of Don Kelly, HERE HE FUCKING IS AGAIN. Fielder
would die minutes later of dysentery.
Boesch and Porcello hit the water
simultaneously and were neck and neck the first fifty yards. At that
point, the simple-minded Boesch forgot how to swim and drowned.
Porcello reached the buoy and turned
back toward certain victory, but at that moment a motorboat with a
crew of three underage girls happened to pass by. Porcello
disappeared swimming after the boat and the team is hopeful he will
return by April.
McClendon was woken up by Field and
notified that he was the winner by default.
“Legendary” Lloyd shrugged, let out
a loud fart, and went back to sleep.
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Yes. You waited over a month for this.
Welcome back. And welcome to Spring
Training 2013.
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