Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Offseason Sucks & Your Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

Things have been quiet here lately at El Snarko de Tigres. Sorry about that. But this offseason has Your Party Host quite grumpy thus far and I haven’t really felt motivated to write much of anything. Sure, freeing the team of Prince Fielder’s immense contract and mopey face was a seemingly nice start. But since then, the team re-signed noted piles of diseased dog manure Phil Coke and Don Kelly (with raises!) and then traded favorite-o-mine Doug Fister for clones of Phil Coke and Don Kelly. Dave Dombrowski, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

After that, we all had visions of Shin-Soo Choo’s career OBP of .389 dancing in our heads, yet were given the lump of coal that is Rajai Davis and his OBP the past three years of .273, .309, and .312. Today, the biggest lump not yet signed by the Mets (sup, Bartolo) was dropped in our stocking in the form of Joba Chamberlain’s bloated corpse. How bad is Joba? Two Yankee fans texted me today to offer their condolences. Soulless, disgusting Yankee fans felt bad for me today. Damn you, DD (or more likely, whatever Ilitch kid has taken over for the fading Mr. I. and forced DD’s hand).

To sum up, the offense is now worse losing Fielder, Infante, and Peralta for Castellanos, Kinsler, and Iglesias. The answer in left field went from Ellsbury/Choo to “anyone but Dirks” to Dirks/Davis. The rotation is worse, subbing Smyly for Fister. The bullpen is worse switching out Veras/Smyly/Benoit for Joba/Krol/Nathan. And the bench is even somehow worse (which I didn’t think was even possible) going from Kelly/Santiago/Pena/Tui to Kelly/Lombardozzi/Holaday/Davis.


Yet everywhere I look, beat writers and delusional fans continue to ignore the obvious. “The Tigers are getting quicker and better on defense”, the Hennings of the world tell me. How nice. I’d rather have good pitching and hitting. This team is headed backwards. 2014 is potentially the last year of Max Scherzer, Victor Martinez, and Torii Hunter in Detroit. If there ever was a time to be “all-in”, it is now. But, no. Rajai Davis is supposed to be considered a quality addition.

You ever watch Family Feud and see someone give a ridiculously dumb answer? Like Creepy Uncle Joe is asked to name a color of the rainbow and he responds by saying “Brown”. Then the rest of the inbred family claps their hands saying “GOOD ANSWER” before getting strike three and letting the Royals family get the steal and the win? I feel like that right now watching the Detroit media and many fans.

Three million plus fans through the gate again this year and $25 million in extra TV revenue cash from MLB, yet we can’t afford a real left fielder or a bullpen outside of Nathan. Obviously, the Tigers need your help. The always rising prices of tickets, parking, refreshments, and merchandise obviously have not been enough. Again, they need YOUR help.

How can you help? By buying MORE useless, overpriced Tigers crap from the MLB shop! That’s how!

Let us take a look at ten such items in this abbreviated Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide! Who knows? If enough of us buy some of this junk for our loved ones this Christmas, maybe the Tigers will add another “TOP” free agent! I hear Brennan Boesch needs a job!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Trading Doug Fister: The Five Stages of Grief

After my initial head explosion over the Doug Fister trade to the Nationals for Steve Lombardozzi, Ian Krol, and Robbie Ray, I decided to give it a full 24 hours before I said much more about it. I’ve gone through a full range of emotions since reading about it on Twitter last night and nearly setting fire to my neighborhood.

What I now realize is that I went through the five stages of grief in that time period. Let me outline this a bit for you right here to the best of my ability.

Monday, December 2, 2013

They did WHAT? (Updated)

Multiple people on Twitter alerted me to the big news a couple hours ago:

The Tigers have agreed to terms with Don Kelly on a one-year, $1 million contract for the 2014 MLB season.

I see. Do I like this idea?

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Prince Fielder Protection Myth

I keep seeing the same thing written over and over about Prince Fielder since he was shipped off to The Lone Star State. “He provided so much protection for Miggy! How will this affect Cabrera? Doom! Doom, I tell you!”

/jumps out window

In fact, two of my least favorite Detroit sportswriters have made the same claim in their recent articles written in the aftermath of the Fielder/Kinsler trade. Here, let them tell you.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Kirk Gibson is a Nutjob

My first favorite baseball player was Kirk Gibson. Young Rogo worshipped the guy. And to this day, he remains in my five favorite players ever in some sort of mish-mash with Alan Trammell, Bobby Higginson, Magglio Ordonez, and Miguel Cabrera.

But the guy is insane.

Over at, they have an article up with several quotes from Gibby on how he thinks the Diamondbacks are shaping up to be a championship team. Again, I love Gibson, but he may be certifiably crazy.

Here are some highlights:

Thursday, November 21, 2013

"Tigers Live" Looks at the Ausmus Hire and Fielder Trade

JOHN KEATING: Greetings, everyone, from chilly Detroit in this special winter edition of Tigers Live! I’m John Keating and while the weather may be frigid, the offseason dealings of the Detroit Tigers have been RED HOT! With the addition of Brad Ausmus as the new manager, some new coaches, and the BLOCKBUSTER deal sending Prince Fielder to Texas for second baseman Ian Kinsler, you could say Christmas has come early to the fans of Detroit. Or more accurately, in the cases of Ausmus and Kinsler, perhaps a Happy Hanukkah?

(makes that annoying, creepy Keating face he does after cracking a bad joke)

KEATING: We’ll be discussing both of these big moves and what they mean for the club on this edition of Tigers Live and WHO BETTER to offer his expert opinions than our own jolly elf himself, Mister Craig Monroe.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Take Me To My Leader (And Make it Manny Acta)

I wanted to weigh in on this manager search before it becomes a moot point. Or “mute point”, if you’re Rod Allen.

Jim Leyland is gone. I appreciate everything he did to change the baseball scene in Detroit after two decades of misery. If I ever saw the man on the street, I would ask to shake his hand. Thanks for the memories, Marlboro Man.

At the same time, I’m not exactly sad to see him leave. His views on bunting, bullpen usage, and Don Kelly are things that have had me frustrated beyond belief in recent years. And don’t get me going on starting Alfredo Figaro at the end of 2009 in a “must win” situation.

So who should replace him? I have my own dream qualifications in a Tigers skipper.

-A younger manager. I feel a guy in his 40’s has a better chance at relating to the modern MLB athlete than someone in his 60’s. They’re also more likely not to have the “old-school” approach on bunting, batting orders, and drinking prune juice.

-A Latino manager. With so many Spanish speaking players in Detroit, I think a bi-lingual skipper could only help in communication. I’m not exactly sure how “grumble, no-brainer, mumble” translates into Spanish.

-Someone that isn’t scared of math. Leyland openly mocked the use of computers and sabermetrics in his time in Detroit and it blew my mind that a manager would knowingly not use information that could help the team win. Just because it wasn’t a procedure used in the 1970’s doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it today. Math can be your friend. Is it too much to ask that my team’s manager be smarter than the average bear?

So with all that in mind, I do know who I want to be the next manager of the Tigers. I also have two backup candidates in mind. And I definitely know who I do NOT want to manage the Tigers in 2014 and beyond.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Two of the Stupidest Things You Will Ever Read About the Tigers

I know I said I was going to take a few weeks off to take care of some personal things and recharge my batteries, but I just had to share a couple items I was unfortunate enough to read today. See if this stuff annoys you as much as it did me.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

R.I.P. 2013 Detroit Tigers (2013-2013)

It’s over. The Tigers flamed out in the most soul-crushing way possible. In Game Six, all of the 2013 Tigers non-greatest hits were on display. Bullpen meltdown. Defensive miscues. Baserunning brain farts. Questionable managerial decisions. Ridiculous umpiring calls against them.

Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I have just a few points before putting this season in the rear-view mirror.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

ALCS Game 6 Pregame Speech with the Worst Person in the World

(Inside visitor’s clubhouse in Boston.)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hello, gentlemen. Here we are again. Our backs are against the wall and it is do or die time. Now...
MAX SCHERZER: Hey, Dave, with all due respect, we know we need to win. Skip’s got us ready. No more rah-rah speeches, okay? We're gonna go out there and do our best.

DOMBROWSKI: That's great, Max. Great. But no, I'm not here to bring in some Ghost of Tigers Past today to try and motivate you guys. The time for that is done. You all have a job to do and I trust that each and every one of you are ready to do just that. But I do want all of you to meet someone today. His name is Robbie O'Reilly. I really think you should all meet this gentleman before you take the field tonight.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Band Gets Back Together to Give the ALCS Game Four Pregame Speech

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Good evening, gentlemen. If I could have your attention, please, I’d appreciate it. You all know that tonight is the biggest game of the season thus far. This is as close to a “must win” as a game gets without it being an actual elimination game. Now Jim has made a statement in his own way with the lineup tonight, as you are all aware of. But just like when our backs were against the wall versus Oakland, I think you need to hear a speech to magnify the intensity of the situation. Unfortunately, Kirk Gibson is not available at this time. Here, let me read his text so I get this right.

(pulls out phone)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Huge Reaction: ALCS Edition

The messiah of the clinically braindead, Bill Simonson, is back talking Tigers after a one week break from him. Aren’t we the lucky ones?

Last time we heard from Creepy Uncle Huge, he told us how the Tigers were too intense in their celebration of winning the AL Central, they needed two complete games in the ALDS to advance, and that he was initially against Jhonny Peralta being on the playoff roster.

What did his thimble-sized brain crank out this week? There’s only one way to find out.

Monday, October 14, 2013

How To Blow a Playoff Game in Eleven Easy Steps

Prince Fielder Sucks at Defense pic via The Detroit News

No less than a dozen people approached me today with some sort of “What happened to the Tigers last night?” comment. By the end of my work day, I was ready to stab someone in the throat for even mentioning baseball. This is the down side to being known as the obsessed Tigers fan at the workplace.

But the question remains. What happened to the Tigers last night? Well, everything that could go wrong from the eighth inning on did go wrong. The Tigers suffered the most soul-crushing defeat I’ve ever seen, with the exception of Game 163 a couple years ago. Blame whoever you want…it doesn’t matter. What happened, happened.

And here’s what happened, through this Tigers fan’s eyes, in eleven painful steps.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

The ALDS Game Five Pregame Speech

(Inside visitor’s clubhouse in Oakland.)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Gentlemen, congratulations on rebounding in Game Four and getting to this point. But you all know that the ultimate goal this season is a World Series championship. We in the organization are proud of you, as is the city of Detroit. But you all will be remembered for what happens on this field tonight. We need to win this game and move on to Boston in the ALCS. Now Jim here isn’t the kind of guy that believes in pregame speeches.
JIM LEYLAND: (Grumble)Horseshit(Mumble)…

DOMBROWSKI: That’s why we’ve flown in someone who is. I want you all to feel the gravity of the situation. Please pay attention to everything he has to say. This man is a winner and has been in your shoes before. He is…

(clubhouse doors kicked open)

Monday, October 7, 2013

Four Short Scenes from Comerica Park

So yeah, I attended this afternoon’s ALDS Game Three at Comerica Park. Obviously, that didn’t turn out like any of us wanted it to. You can go anywhere for analysis or opinion on what happened, but I’m not going to do that.

We’re all stressed. We’re all annoyed. Instead of more useless commentary, I thought I’d give you something else useless, but hopefully mildly entertaining.

The following were a few snippets from conversations around me at the park today.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Both "Good Leyland" and "Bad Leyland" on Display in the ALDS

Like many fans of the Tigers, I have a love/hate relationship with manager Jim Leyland. As I’ve said many times, I don’t think there’s a better guy in the league in running his clubhouse. His players love him and would run through a brick wall for the man. At the same time, I think many of his methods and in-game decision making ideas are outdated and foolish.

I look at how fans view Leyland in the same manner that I do people and their political beliefs.

I shake my head in disgust when a person defends a Democrat or Republican, no matter what they do, just because they belong to that party. Myself, I have personal beliefs in which some match the common description of a Liberal Democrat and others that fall in line with more of a Conservative Republican. I’m a firm believer in “shades of grey” over the stubborn “black or white” mindset.

With Leyland, I have a similar viewpoint. Some people will defend anything the guy does, no matter how illogical it may seem. Others call him a senile fool that is ruining the Tigers’ chances at a World Championship. Again, both sides are wrong. Leyland is human and not perfect. He’ll make poor choices while on the job. At the same time, he’s seen more baseball in his life than any of us likely will and has reasons for what he does.

My point is, in two games so far in this ALCS, we’ve seen both “Good Leyland” in Game One and “Bad Leyland” in Game Two. Regardless of what decisions Leyland makes, the Tigers aren’t going to win if they don’t start scoring runs. But Leyland plays a part in that, too. He needs to give his team its best chance of winning. I don’t think he did that in Game Two as well as he did in Game One.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Huge Moron Says Tigers Need 6+ Complete Games to Survive Playoffs

We almost made it two glorious months without the biggest dunce on the planet that writes about the Detroit Tigers publishing one of his poorly thought out piles of trash on the team. But alas, it couldn’t go on forever.

Yes, HE’S BACK. Huge is here to enlighten us all with his thoughts on the upcoming ALDS series between Oakland and Detroit. And as the undisputed voice of reason in the online world of Tigers baseball, it is my sworn duty to combat Huge Ignorance when it rears its ugly head.

Everyone take a deep breath. And here we go…

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Your 2013 Tigers/Athletics ALDS Preview

This Friday, October 4th, at 9:37 pm (because eff you, America), the Moneyball A’s and the $$$ball Tigers will face off in Game One of the ALDS. Since TigerSnark is the most trusted Detroit Tigers website in the known universe, I know you have come here for the most comprehensive breakdown of this series possible.

Or something. I will try not to disappoint.

Monday, September 30, 2013

A Few End 'o' Season Tigers Notes

 Pic Via The Freep
The regular season has ended and despite the best efforts of our Detroit Tigers to blow it, the managed to hold on and win the AL Central. Before we move onto the first round of the playoffs against our old friends in Oakland, I thought I would take a moment to review a few things from the 2013 season.

Friday, September 27, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Miami Marlins

It's the final series of the regular season. Where has the time gone? We've all grown a bit older together this season. We've all had our moments where we freaked out. (Mine was when Leyland batted Kelly third that one time and I blacked out for two days before coming to, covered in someone else's blood.) There were laughs, tears, and beers. Now the end is near. Bring on the playoffs.

The final three games are against the woeful Miami Marlins. Here's your final team preview of the 2013 season.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

AL Central Champs: Still Work To Do

Pic via Matthew Mowery

With a 1-0 victory over the Twins, the Tigers clinched their third straight AL Central title Wednesday night. Fun was had by all. Players danced. They cheered. Leyland cried. Little Victor dumped non-alcoholic champagne on Don Kelly's crotch. It was great.

But it's not enough.

Friday, September 20, 2013

A Crazy Person Says Justin Verlander Should Join the Bullpen

There was a time when I would get upset that ESPN and major sites online would seem to ignore the Tigers and only focus their attention on the Yankees and Red Sox. I’m beginning to miss those days.

Multiple people sent me a link to this column. It’s yet another piece at Yahoo.

But first, I want to say something about the article I ripped on in yesterday’s piece. The author emailed me and explained that it was actually written three weeks ago. Yahoo, for whatever reason, chose to publish it now. That does make a bit of difference in the matter. And I want to thank Grant for having a sense of humor about the whole thing. No one should ever take me too seriously.

So calling it the worst piece I’ve ever read on the Tigers? I take that back. Especially after tonight.

Because this ridiculous column about sending Justin Verlander to bullpen…it trumps anything else I’ve read in stupidity by a mile.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Yahoo on Yahoo Says Dumb Things About the Tigers

Hey, everyone! Who wants to read the stupidest thing ever written about the Tigers?

Yeah, I didn’t either. I, for one, have been enjoying Bill Simonson ignoring the Tigers for the past month and not reading the ignorant ramblings of a madman. But Phil Coke’s Brain just HAD to send me a link to an article on Yahoo. It’s about how the Tigers should put Miguel Cabrera on the DL just to see what the rest of the team is made of. If that sounds silly to you, believe me, it’s even worse than it sounds. The fact that "Tigers" is spelled wrong in the headline probably should have been a clue. Thanks to Melissa Heyboer for pointing that out. Read it here, if you want.

Or, just continue on here, as I go through it piece by piece using the eff-word a lot.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Joey Makes Some New Friends

JOEY’S MOM: Hey, kiddo. Great win for you guys today. You did such a great job pitching. I’m so proud of you.
JOEY: Thanks, Mom. I had a lot of fun. Too bad we didn’t score earlier. I’m glad we won, but I didn’t get the win for us. Oh well. Can we go get ice cream? The other guys are going with their parents.

JOEY’S MOM: Of course, honey. Hop in the car and we’ll go meet them…wait. Who’s that man standing at our car?

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Detroit Tiger Droppings: September '13 Edition

As I mentioned last week, I’m quite busy at work this time of year and don’t have as much time as I’d like to devote to writing doodie jokes about baseball. I’m not a big fan of articles with random thoughts thrown around, but it’s better than nothing, right?

Here are a few things rattling around my empty noggin as we head into the final weeks of the season. I apologize in advance if I come off as cranky. Because I am. And I got stung by a bee today. That didn't help things.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Worrying

I’m far from a perfect person, but everything that is good in me comes from my mom. The woman is as close to a saint as it gets. I can’t imagine what she ever did to deserve a psychopath like me as a son. But the one negative trait that I inherited from her is how I worry about things constantly. What if THIS happens? But what if THAT comes to be? It’s maddening. I can’t stop. And I know it came from her, as every time I speak to her she’s seemingly looking for doom around every corner. I sometimes suspect she spends an hour each day wondering if the sun will rise tomorrow.


/jumps out window

And this constant worrying I do is increasing as the baseball season winds down. A 20-4 drubbing by the Red Sox on Wednesday night didn’t help things. The following are a few things I’m terrified about as it relates to the Tigers down the stretch and into the playoffs. Let me know if I’m way off base here.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Detroit Tigers by the (Uniform) Numbers

A couple weeks ago, I posted a stupid test to see if you are a “good Tigers fan”, whatever that’s supposed to mean. The thing that surprised me the most about the responses to it were how many people didn’t know the uniform numbers of Kaline, Greenberg, Gehringer, Whitaker, and Trammell. I just assumed this knowledge was immediately known to everyone once they decided on their fandom to the Tigers. It should be, anyway.

Today, those of you numerically uninformed folks are going to get a lesson. I’m going to cover the best players to wear each number, other famous guys to wear them, and my personal favorite for each number. Considering how I tend to enjoy weird players, this may be entertaining for a few of you.

Take notes in case there’s another exam in the future.

Also, some guys wore multiple numbers during their careers (especially in the early days). I’ve included them only under their most famous and/or current numbers.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Five Tigers Players, Five Amazing Tigers Seasons

I have a newsflash for you guys and gals. Miguel Cabrera is really good at baseball. Bet you didn’t know that.

His first two years in Detroit, 2008 and 2009, were impressive. Then the video game numbers started. In 2010, he finished second in the MVP voting with an OPS+ of 178, 19 points higher than his career best at that point. In 2011, He upped it to 179. Then last year, all he did was win the first Triple Crown by anyone since 1967.

And he’s outdoing himself again in 2013. Look at the following stats entering Monday’s game.

2013 Miguel Cabrera

.360/.450/.685/1.135, 42 HR, 128 RBI, 202 OPS+, 7.1 WAR.

That is insane. He leads the league in average, hits, RBI, OBP, SLG, OPS, OPS+, total bases, wRC+, wOBA, and many other categories, I’m sure. This is something special. And he’s been doing it while injured to the point of not being able to run. Blood is seeping through his uniform at times. On the first pitch, he’s hitting .488 with 14 HR. With runners in scoring position, he’s batting .422. With RISP and two outs, bump it up to .455.

They can tell us that Don Kelly is Mister Heart and Hustle all they want…my vote goes to Miguel Cabrera. I hope you’re all enjoying this performance in 2013 as much as I am.

Miggy Poco’s amazing year got me to thinking about the other standout amazing individual seasons I’ve witnessed since becoming a Tigers fan in 1985. Cabrera’s 2013 ranks at the top. But I wanted to round out my Top Five with four other guys with four other years I’ll never forget.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 New York Mets

The season is winding down and the Tigers currently hold on to a six game lead in the AL Central. Injuries are mounting, though, and it remains to be seen if they can make it to the playoffs without half the team dying. Cabrera is beginning to resemble the walking dead. But the tough bastard keeps hitting...

Up next is more goofy interleague play in New York with the Mets. My apologies for completely forgetting to do this Fan’s Guide before the series began. I’m a bit of a moron.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Hey, Tigers Media: Don't Feed Us Nonsense

Between Tigers games on FSD, the Tigers Live pregame and postgame shows, The Detroit News, The Detroit Free Press, The Oakland Press, MLive, blogs like Bless You Boys, and numerous other media outlets, Detroit fans have a lot of information on our baseball team readily available. While we, and myself especially when it comes to certain writers, don’t always like the stuff we read, I think we have the opportunity to always be informed about what’s going on with the team.

I don’t ask much, in my opinion. I prefer that what I read or listen to makes sense. I’m a happy camper when information is presented with relevant statistics or data to back it up. And I want the person presenting me news or opinion to be honest.

Honesty is a big one with me. If I can’t trust my news source, what good are they? That’s why there are two instances in the past couple days that have really ticked me off. One came from television and one from a Detroit paper. Maybe this stuff isn’t a big deal to some, but it is to me.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Mike Trout Leads the League in #HaaHIF, Thus Give Him the MVP

Tuesday is normally the day in which Your Party Host enters the mind of Bill Simonson and shows how Bill is completely wrong about everything using simple facts and logic. Alas, for the second straight week, Huge has not devoted his column to the Tigers. Therefore, we must seek our fun elsewhere. Darn.

What luck! It’s Yahoo to the rescue! Normally, I ignore these Yahoo Contributor Network articles because they are pretty much universally garbage. To write one, I believe an author must possess a pulse and an internet connection, with little else. Some don’t even come up with their topics themselves, as Yahoo just assigns topics it wants covered.

This one was written a week ago, but was just brought to my attention. And it is one that is just way too stupid to ignore. (Kind of like Angels fans.)

Here we go.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Test: Are You a Good Detroit Tigers Fan?

The following is a test to see if you deserve to be a fan of my favorite baseball team. I care little if you think this is fair or not. You are to go through this exam from beginning to end, no skipping ahead, with no breaks, and no looking ahead for the correct answers. This is important stuff and no tomfoolery will be tolerated in my classroom.

None of these questions should be difficult if you are a real Detroit Tigers fan and a decent person. With the team’s recent success, there are just too many bandwagon morons running around that are interfering with the enjoyment of the game for myself and other real fans. The frauds must be weeded out and it is my sacred duty to do so.

If you fail this test, I demand that you no longer support the Tigers. You are never to step foot in Comerica Park again. I further ask that you never return to this website. And I expect a full apology neatly written on proper stationery for your attempted ruse and your crimes against humanity.

Let’s begin.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Who is Still Standing from 2003?

When Jeremy Bonderman made his return to the Tigers last week, I found it odd that three members of the historically bad 2003 club had now made their way back to Detroit over the years. Bondo, of course, retired due to injury, had a cup of coffee in Seattle early this season, and is now back. Ramon Santiago was traded to the Mariners in early 2004, in one of the biggest steals ever for Carlos Guillen, before rejoining the Tigers in 2006. And Omar Infante was traded in the infamous Jacques Jones deal to the Cubs in November of 2007 before coming back in the Anibal Sanchez trade last year.

When I looked back over that 2003 roster, it actually surprised me to see that three other members of the team were still in the majors, too. Andres Torres, Fernando Rodney, and Cody Ross still draw MLB paychecks. It seemed like a lot of guys to me considering you have to be pretty talented to last a decade or more in MLB. And not too long ago, before being released by their teams, Carlos Pena and Brandon Inge were still around.

I pointed it out on Twitter that six players remained from 2003 and Matt Sussman replied that the AL’s World Series representative that year, the Yankees, also had six players still active (Rivera, Jeter, Giambi, Soriano, Pettitte, and Choate). It seemed odd to me that the worst team in AL history would have as many active players as the then-loaded Yankees ten years later. And I started wondering how they compared to the other teams in baseball.

It turns out, only three MLB teams from 2003 have more than the six that Detroit and New York still have in the game. Oddly enough, two of the three are from the AL Central. And one team, the Brewers, have no one left in MLB that was on their 2003 team.

Here’s a complete list of all the teams and who is still around, to the best of my knowledge.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Crazy Mike Puts the Band Back Together

(Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: (on phone) Yes. We’re quite pleased with the team’s performance as of late. Uh huh. No, I haven’t heard anything concrete about becoming the commissioner when Selig retires. But yes, I am hopeful. Fingers crossed, haha. Right now, I’m just concentrating on making the Tigers the best they can be. Mr. Ilitch? Well, he can be interesting to deal with, but no, I’m sure he’s just as happy as we all are.

/loud knocking on door

DOMBROWSKI: Hey, I have to go. Someone’s banging on my door. Yeah, it never ends. Take care. Bye now. (hangs up) Come in!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Man, This 20 Games Over .500 Team Really Sucks

Hey, kids. It’s Tuesday and you know what that means. Yes, it’s time to see what Simonson is spewing at us from his dark, dank corner of mLive. And I have to tell you, I was surprised by this week’s effort.

Was it a column filled with logic and interesting points? Ha, get real. I said “surprised”, not “violently shocked into having fourteen consecutive heart attacks”. You see, I was expecting a ridiculously overblown morality piece on how PEDs are worse than 9/11 and Hitler combined. No such luck. Luckily, CBS employs a lunatic named Scott Miller that was kind enough to write that article. No, Bill had a different plan this week.

Apparently, that plan was to write a rambling, senseless piece on the success of the Detroit Tigers in which he not only contradicts himself throughout the piece, but also contradicts what he has written in the past. I’ve known for quite a while now that Bill was a terrible writer and a liar, but even I was blown away by this week’s nonsense.

Are you ready to lose thirty IQ points? Sweet. Let’s dive in.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Detroit Tigers BINGO

Unless something earth shattering happens, there won't be anything new here until next week. I'll be attending the game on Saturday with the Bless You Boys nerd-fest, so be sure to say hi if you're going to be there. I promise not to bite. Unless I get loaded.

So until next week, I give you the following BINGO cards for you to play along with the Tigers game at home. Turn them into a drinking game, if you wish. You've got three choices after the jump.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Concern Over the Elephant in the Room

Despite a narrow first place lead in the AL Central as July comes to a close, the Tigers have seen a lot go wrong this year. Justin Verlander has been inconsistent. Alex Avila has looked lost. Andy Dirks has been disappointing after a strong 2012. The specter of suspension hangs over Jhonny Peralta. Injuries have taken various amounts of playing time from Anibal Sanchez, Austin Jackson, Torii Hunter, Omar Infante, Octavio Dotel, and Miguel Cabrera. Jim Leyland has a bunting fetish. Also, Jose Valverde exists.

But perhaps the most troubling issue facing this team is one that I haven’t seen addressed much on Tigers sites. This problem might be the biggest, too, in the long run. And by big, I don’t mean the minimum of 275 pounds he’s lugging around, either. (Lynn Henning smiles.) I’m talking about the quietly dreadful season Prince Fielder is having so far.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

RIP "Eat 'Em Up Tigers" Guy

As you’ve probably heard by now, late last night, a hit and run driver struck and killed two men in Detroit. One of them was James Van Horn, aka the “Eat ‘Em Up Tigers” Guy.

Van Horn was born and raised in Detroit. He was an All-American wrestler in his youth in 1964. At one point, he was making over $50K per year as a welder. But he fell on hard times and ended up on the streets in 2005. Homeless, he would stand outside Comerica Park, Ford Field, Joe Louis Arena, and other venues with his oversized Incredible Hulk hand and his familiar war cry of “eat ‘em up (insert home team), eat ‘em up”. He was once quoted as saying he made as much as $400 per night doing this in an old article I read. The led to him get regular shelter on a nightly basis instead of sleeping on the streets.

Some fans took notice and had some shirts printed up with his picture on them years ago. They donated the profits to James. You probably saw him wearing this shirt before a game at some point. Between this, his minor fame, and his nightly earnings, it’s hard to believe that he’s remained there for so many years without getting off the streets. But reality is reality and none of us can truly understand, I guess, until we’ve been in his shoes.

I’ll remember him for his constant smile and the way he made fans do the same before and after games. He was always nice to me over the years and I wanted to just write this today to say thanks and goodbye to a local Detroit icon. He will be missed.

I hope they find the cowardly prick that did this. And I hope he goes to prison and the inmates eat him up.

Rest in peace, Guy.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies

The Tigers enter this weekend at 56-45, three games ahead of the Racist Logos of Cleveland. Everyone and their brother is complaining about this Detroit team underperforming. But With Austin Jackson, Anibal Sanchez, Omar Infante, and now Miguel Cabrera all missing time due to injuries and the rough times of Alex Avila, Justin Verlander, and most of the bullpen…I’m actually happy with where the team is at. It could be much worse.

It’s interleague time again. And this time we’re seeing an opponent we don’t often get to play against. Let’s take a look at the 49-53 Phillies of the NL East.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Detroit Tigers AT & T Commerical That Needs To Be Made

AT & T GUY: What’s better? Scoring more runs or less runs?

EVERYONE: Mooooooooooooore!

AT & T GUY: Are you sure?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Ryan Braun, Media Reaction, and Worshipping False Idols

This whole Ryan Braun situation both fascinates and angers me. But not for the reasons you may think. You see, I’m reading guys like Passan, Morosi, Olney, and others freaking out about it. They’re demanding apologies and reacting as if Braun assaulted their mothers in front of them. Overnight, Ryan Braun has become the most horrible person on the planet, if you believe these “respected” columnists. 

Did he cheat and lie? Looks like it. But is that really surprising that an athlete lied/cheated? Does Braun (or whoever) really deserve to be written about with such animosity?

No. Braun’s actions shouldn’t come as a shock or surprise at all, in my opinion. Here’s why.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Team (S)crappy!

Is every fanbase as odd as that of the Detroit Tigers? I find myself pondering that question on a near-daily basis.

One aspect that I can’t wrap my booze-ravaged mind around is the frequent fascination many Tigers fans have with terrible baseball players. Each season a weird cult develops around some subpar guy we have wasting a roster spot and I sit here with a bewildered look on my face and a constant urge to type the F word over and over. Longtime readers may be familiar with such thought-provoking essays of mine.

In the past week, a couple of these kind of guys were in the news. Don Kelly was named the 2013 “Heart & Hustle” award winner for the Tigers. Why? Who has more heart and hustle than Miguel Cabrera? Max Scherzer is the only other guy I can think of that would be in his league, especially with what he has overcome in the past calendar year. But Kelly? Why him? Because he’s nice and tries hard? So do the majority of big leaguers. Why not pick a good one like the Pirates did with Andrew McCutchen or the Rangers did with Adrian Beltre?

Then, the Yankees cut ties with mouth-breathing right fielder, Brennan Boesch. I saw many in the Detroit fanbase saying we should bring him back. Again, after pounding my head against a wall for a half hour, I ask why? He’s terrible! But he’s got his weird gaggle of fangirls wearing his shirseys at the CoPa asking how many points the Tigers get for a double. He’s not THAT cute, ladies.

This got me to thinking if I could field an entire team of these gritty, overrated, scrappy gamers that a healthy portion of the Tiger faithful idolize and make excuses for. To my surprise, I was able to make a starting nine with members from just the 2012 and 2013 teams. No wonder we can’t ever seem to pull away in the Central.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Further Ramblings of Detroit's Village Idiot

Certain things can be said with 100% accuracy. The sun will rise each day. Water will be wet. It will snow during the winter in Michigan. And Bill Simonson will come off as a windbag moron when attempting to write about the Detroit Tigers.

I honestly wish that one week Huge would pen a Tigers article and I would agree with what he has to say. Believe it or not, I really do. The idea of a Tigers "supporter" as idiotic as Bill saddens me. But it doesn’t look like this will ever happen…certainly not this week. The newest pile of manure follows after the jump. It’s a doozy.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

(Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: What a great first half. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, but we’re in first place and have a better record at the break than we have the past two seasons. Time to get to work and make this team even better before the trade deadline. Hello, Mary. Time for another day of work. Do I have any messages waiting for me?

SECRETARY: No, sir. But you do have a visitor waiting in your office. I apologize, but he demanded to be let in.

DOMBROWSKI: You let someone into my office without me being here?

SECRETARY: I’m sorry, sir. But he does own the team.


/rushes into office
MIKE ILITCH: Ahh! There you are, Daniel.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir. Um, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be on vacation or something?

ILITCH: Nonsense, Donald. You see, Marion’s hairdresser mentioned to her that our Baseball Red Wings are in first place! How about that! I sure know how to run an organization, don’t I?

DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, actually I’m the one…

ILITCH: Exactly. Maybe one day you’ll have my skills in running a sports team. Watch and learn. I signed a new player today.

DOMBROWSKI: You’ve got to be kidding me. Sir, that is what you pay me to do. Why would you go above my head and…

ILITCH: This team needs true leadership. Sure, Cecil’s a good first baseman and the Mexican at third has a fine bat. But we need pitching help, Dexter.

DOMBROWSKI: David. And we have amazing pitching, sir. We just need to make a couple tweaks in the bullpen and…wait. Who did you sign?

ILITCH: A true hero. I man that has helped lead this team there before. A pitching genius, my boy. In fact, he should be here any moment.

/repeated pounding on door heard

SECRETARY’S VOICE: Sir? Please stop pushing. You pull to get the door open.

/door gingerly opens