Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Translating Tuesday's #AskDave Chat

Tigers General Manager David Dombrowski participated in a Q & A via the team’s Twitter account Tuesday afternoon. He answered several softball questions from fans and the answers didn’t reveal much that we didn’t already know.

Unless you read between the lines.

The following is the transcript of the Q & A, but I’ve added in the unspoken words behind his answers in case you couldn’t understand them yourself. You’re welcome.

Dave: How are my Twitters doing?

Unspoken: I am the whitest man that ever lived.
Q: Which prospect other than Castellanos and Rondon should we be on the lookout for this year?

Dave: Players you’ve already seen like Garcia and Crosby.

Unspoken: All of our prospects were sent to the Marlins for a guy we once traded for the corpse of Jacques Jones and a couple months of a guy that was using us to get paid this offseason by, most likely, the Rangers. So, Avisail, I guess.
Q: What is your top priority right now for the team?

Dave: If we could find the correct right handed bat for the outfield.

Unspoken: Misleading the fans into thinking we’re doing one thing, then surprising everyone by doing the opposite. I love that shit. I might even bring back Raburn.
Q: Who was your favorite ballplayer growing up?

Dave: Mickey Mantle.

Unspoken: The guy that banged Marilyn Monroe.
Q: What is the one piece of business advice you would give a young person?

Dave: Pursue your passion.

Unspoken: Never work for Jeffrey Loria.
Q: Who is your favorite Tiger of old?

Dave: Easy one. Al Kaline.

Unspoken: Al Kaline is old.
Q: What will Jim do when playing an NL team with Cabby, Prince & now Martinez? Can Vic catch or will one of them sit?

Dave: Victor will not catch. So Jim will try to find playing time for all of them. Will not be easy.

Unspoken: Probably start the equivalent of Don Kelly just to piss you all off. If Victor catches, his knees will explode.
Q: I'm at WMU and was wondering what some of your fondest non-baseball memories were during your time in Kal.

Dave: Made some of my best friends in life during these times.

Unspoken: Lots and lots of pussy. Chicks love the dimple chin.
Q: Will left field be shared by Dirks and Berry again in 2013?

Dave: Dirks would be our lead candidate with other to challenge him.

Unspoken: I apologize to everyone for Quintin Berry. Was supposed to be a joke. My bad.
Q: Are you confident in Rondon for this upcoming season?

Dave: Yes. He is a rare talent that I feel has a chance to close for us this year.

Unspoken: I’m on the phone every day begging for everyone from Hanrahan to Perez. Don’t worry.
Q: How exactly do trade negotiations start? Where do they go from there?

Dave: Usually a GM proposes an idea to another GM. Conversations can proceed quickly or take a long time. Sometimes trades take months to make.

Unspoken: First, you say you’re not interested in a player. Then you call another GM and offer every decent prospect for that player. Then you blame the owner, just in case. It’s quite simple.
Q: Do you plan on adding another lefty to the bullpen or will you look internally with a guy like Adam Wilk?

Dave: Open to adding another lefty, but Darin Downs did do well for us last year.

Unspoken: Anyone but Adam Wilk. Even Darin Downs.
Q: If you don't sign Sanchez, would you use Smyly in the rotation?

Dave: Yes we are comfortable with Smyly in our rotation.

Unspoken: Who else are we going to use, you fuckhead? I'd rather you start for us than Casey Crosby.
Q: What plans do you have for Andy Dirks this year and how do intend on using him?

Dave: Our primary left fielder this year, looking for a right handed bat to use with him.

Unspoken: We’re thinking of having him take up tap dancing. These are the worst questions ever.
Q: Would you use Avisail on the short end of a platoon or are you looking to get him significant ABs at some level?

A: Avisail needs a lot of at bats this year, no matter where he plays.

Unspoken: He’ll be traded by March. Probably for the closer I told you we don’t need.
Q: How would you assess the state of the team's minor league talent? What position has the greatest depth of prospects?

Dave: Solid. With our greatest depth being outfield and bullpen.

Unspoken: Fucked. Nick, Avi, and Rondon are about it.
Q: What is the early season plan for Nick Castellanos?

Dave: Most likely out in left field in AAA, although can compete for major league roster spot in Spring Training.

Unspoken: Trade him by July.
Q: How much fun is it to be a part of the Tiger organization? What are you most excited about in 2013?

Dave: Enjoy it a great deal. Chance to win World Championship in 2013 is always exciting.

Unspoken: Every decision I make is mocked by the ignorant fanbase. Everyone thinks they’re smarter than I am despite probably not being able to tie their fucking shoelaces without help. I’m constantly called “Dumbrowski”, hahaha get it? Does that sound fun to you? I’m most excited about not seeing Ryan Raburn’s name misspelled on a daily basis by our mouth-breathing #BestFansInBaseball.
Q: Who is your number one candidate for the 5th slot in the starting rotation?

Dave: Drew Smyly.

Unspoken: Take a guess, dipshit.
Q: Will Crosby &/or Garcia have an opportunity to contribute in 2013 or will it be a final developmental year?

Dave:  Could contribute to major leagues this year. Will depend upon their development.

Unspoken: If you see them in Detroit before September, something went terribly, terribly wrong.
Q: What does the lineup card for 2013 look like?

Dave: We’ll have to ask Jim Leyland this. Not sure he’s on Twitter.

Unspoken: Whatever it is, you pricks will bitch about it. Try asking @FakeLeyland.
Q: What does Ramon Cabrera bring to the club?

A: Will catch in minors for us this year and give us depth for the future.

Unspoken: Almost as little as Brayan Pena. They can’t all be winners.
Q: What are your plans for Santiago/Worth?

A: Both could make the club in Spring Training.

Unspoken: Taking them to the vet and having them put down.
Q: With KC getting a lot of pitching, what are your plans to counter them?

Dave: Our club is pretty well set. Always looking to get better.

Unspoken: Oh noes! The Royals got pitching…most of which still sucks! Whatever shall we do??? lol
Q: Dave! Who's your favorite Osmond?

Dave: Of course Marie!

Unspoken: Of course, the one with tits!
Q: Jhonny Peralta is staying, right? I kind of like him playing here...

Dave: He is our SS and already working hard in preparation for next year.

Unspoken: Fuck you, Lynn Henning.
Q: Instead of calling you the "GM" can you change your title purely to "Chief?"

Dave: Is this Kevin Rand our team trainer?

Unspoken: Kevin Rand is a dickhead.
Q: Do you think we should make both leagues bat with DH or vise versa all players bat? Unfair advantage against NL pitchers?

Dave: I would use the DH in both leagues.

Unspoken: Pitchers batting is about as exciting as watching ants fuck.
Q: All the players have a off season, but do you?

Dave: Not really. On call all the time.

Unspoken: Mr. I rarely has a clue what day, month, or year it is. You have to be prepared for his manic calls at all hours of the day. Last night at 3am, he called screaming “Daniel, where is my sandwich?” over and over until he fell asleep. That’s happened three times this month.
Q: Dave's not here man.

Dave: Yes I am!

Unspoken: Cheech and who?
Q: What is our outfield looking like?

Dave: Hunter in RF, Jackson CF, Dirks LF with a right handed bat helping.

Unspoken: Sigh. Really? These idiots don’t deserve a championship team.
Q: Can I be a batboy?

Dave: Write to Jim Schmakel our clubhouse manager.

Unspoken: I’m sorry, Donnie. It’s time to move on.
Dave: Thank you and Happy Holidays! Appreciate your support.

Unspoken: Go fuck yourselves, you spoiled ingrates!

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