The Super Agent Makes His Pitch

JACK ZDURIENCIK: Yes, bartender, I’ll take another Irish coffee. Dave, what can I get for you?

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Appletini, please. And save the jokes before I have to start on the obvious Seattle/coffee ones, okay?

ZDURIENCIK: Sure, pal. Let’s get down to business. As you know, we’re looking to add some pop to our outfield.

DOMBROWSKI: Obviously. That Jason Bay deal you made was a real…hahahaha…

ZDURIENCIK: Shut up. Damn whiskey. Anyway, we’re considering offering you a deal for Brennan Bo…

DOMBROWSKI: Done. We’ll take it.

ZDURIENCIK: But I haven’t told you the deal yet.

DOMBROWSKI: That’s okay. Crippled Single-A prospect, one of Ichiro’s old uniforms, a grande expresso from Starbucks…whatever you think is fair.

ZDURIENCIK: Well, I’m not so sure now.

DOMBROWSKI: No takesy backsies! We have a deal!

ZDURIENCIK: We didn’t shake on it.

DOMBROWSKI: Nuh uh! Doesn’t matter! We…

/door to bar explodes open

GARY SHEFFIELD: David Dombrowski! You crazy mothafucka! There you is! Sheff’s been lookin’ all ovah fo yo ass! Who this fool?

DOMBROWSKI: This is Jack Zduriencik, the general manager of the Mariners.

SHEFFIELD: Mariners? Who they?

DOMBROWSKI: The SEATTLE Mariners? From the AL West?

SHEFFIELD: Never heard of em. Sheff don’t watch Independent ball. Now Dave, Sheff HAD to get you in on this shit. As you know, Sheff be the SUPER AGENT of the pitching phenom known as Jason Grilli, The Cheeseman. Now Sheff got deals being thrown at him from everywhere! But before Sheff and The Cheeseman make they choice, we wonna let you in on this. Yo bullpen sucks shit.

DOMBROWSKI: Well, I wouldn’t go as far to say that, Gary.

SHEFFIELD: That’s because you is a pussy. Sheff knows. Now Cheeseman ain’t sold on returning to Detroit. But Sheff say he need to listen to what you got to offer. How bout you make Sheff an offer right now? Cuz we friends, and shit.

DOMBROWSKI: Gary, I’m not prepared to make such an offer right now. We’ve got some young arms that we really like and our payroll is stretched quite thin the way it is.

ZDURIENCIK: Isn’t Gary himself still technically on your payroll, Dave?

DOMBROWSKI: Probably. Shut up before I bring up Chone Figgins.

SHEFFIELD: Hay, forget about Sheff’s duckets fo now. Just don’t forget to mail the checks. We talking about my main man, The Cheeseman. Sheff got the Pirates, Cubs, Giants, and some Canadian League team ringin’ his phone off the hook.

ZDURIENCIK: Canadian League?

DOMBROWSKI: He means the Blue Jays. Don’t bother correcting him. Look, Gary. Grilli and Jim Leyland don’t get along. The fans in Detroit hate him. And though he’s had a nice couple years in the NL, his age and past concerns us. I can’t see us coming together on a deal.

SHEFFIELD: Three years, $34 million. That be Sheff’s final offer, Dave. Take it or leave it.

DOMBROWSKI: No.

SHEFFIELD: Two years, $32 million.

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sorry, Gary.

SHEFFIELD: Fine. Fuck you! Sheff and Cheeseman don’t need your bullshit team, anyway. There be PLENTY of teams out there that want The Cheeseman’s services! I heard some dumbass signed Jason Bay. If Jason Bay can get paid, then Sheff and The Cheeseman gonna get rich!

ZDURIENCIK: Now Jason Bay has been a quality major leaguer for quite some time...

SHEFFIELD: Holy shit, that was you? Ha HA! You and Sheff ain’t been properly introduced. My name is Gary Sheffield, SUPER AGENT. You can call me Supa Sheff! Now your Seattle Marauders team MUST be in need of a 36 year old flamethrower out o’the pen named The Cheeseman. How bout we start talkin’ at four years, $45 million?

DOMBROWSKI: I’ll leave you two alone. And Jack, I’ll call you to finalize the Boesch deal later.

ZDURIENCIK: David, don’t do this to me! Dammit! There is no deal! And get your buddy here away from me!

DOMBROWSKI: Seeya, Jack!

SHEFFIELD: Forget that fool, Jack is it? Jack, you and Sheff gonna be good friends. Now gimmie four years, $48 million before Sheff havta get violent on yo ass…