So where was I? Oh, yeah. Don Kelly sucks.
Welcome to TigerSnark, boys and girls. Baseball is a sport that many of us take way too seriously, yours truly included at times. It’s my goal to try and lighten the mood, from time to time, and hopefully add some fun to watching the Detroit Tigers play baseball. This is all an attempt at entertainment and is nothing more than that. If you’ve come here looking for serious, no nonsense, gripping baseball analysis…well, you’re in the wrong place. I make doodie jokes about Brennan Boesch.
Many of you know me and it’s great to have you reading my stuff again. Some of you may be new. I welcome you, as well. This first entry to TigerSnark is an introduction to my world and what this site will be about. Hopefully any questions you may have will be answered here in this FAQ. (How can there be Frequently Asked Questions on a blog that hasn’t started yet? Shut up.)
Q: Who the hell are you?
A: My name is Scott Rogowski. I’ve also been known as “Rogo”, “Your Party Host”, “Inmate # 8379293”, and other less than flattering names. I live in the desolate wasteland known as Toledo, Ohio, and sadly have for my entire life. I began watching, and fell in love with, the Detroit Tigers in 1985 at the age of eight and have been waiting for the elusive World Series title ever since.
A few years ago, I started a blog called DesigNate Robertson (DNR) in an attempt to amuse myself and a few friends. To my surprise, it caught on and became moderately popular over the years, even having a piece reprinted on Deadspin in April of 2012. People seem to have trouble understanding that much of what I write IS A JOKE AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. But for those that get it, it’s been fun.
I had to stop writing in August of 2012 due to medical issues with my family. I also have an eight year old son who could care less about baseball unless Pokemon are playing it. Little jerk. I’m a Taurus and enjoy reading, walks on the beach, and lesbian porn.
Q: How’s the family doing?
A: As well as can be expected. Thanks for asking. Long story short, my stepfather had to have a leg amputated. My mother is approaching 60 years old and has medical issues of her own. As an only child, there was no one else to help and I couldn’t let my family lose their house, so I’ve moved in with them to help out for the foreseeable future. So as of this writing, I am forced to write this blog living in my mother’s house. Sadly, there is no basement to complete the stereotype.
I’ve missed doing this terribly and the family is doing well enough that I again have time to devote to this project. Thanks to the many of you that sent well wishes the past few months. Warmed my black little heart, it did. And for the record, they were both quite pissed when they found out I quit writing DNR. Ingrates.
Q: Why “TigerSnark”? What was wrong with DNR?
A: There are a number of reasons. Here are the three main ones.
1. I wanted to get away from the Nate Robertson thing. That originally came as a spur of the moment joke during a Tigers game that Nate was sucking it up in. I started the blog shortly after and thought it was funny. It’s become less funny over time and I feel it’s outdated.
2. I wanted a fresh start. I’m proud of a lot of stuff I did at DNR. But I also think much of it is crap, especially the early stuff. I have a better idea of what I want to do now and feel like beginning a new chapter, so to speak. My goal is to have less of that crap here. I will probably fail because I’m not very good at writing.
3. I wanted a name that was simple, to the point, and told you what to expect. A lot of people didn’t know what DNR was supposed to mean, especially with Nate being gone for a couple years now. “TigerSnark” is pretty self-explanatory. I hope. Some people are really fucking dumb.
Q: Your logo sucks.
A: That’s not a question. Also, your mom sucks.
Q: Why do you hate Don Kelly?
A: Because he’s awful. No, I don’t really HATE Don Kelly. Donnie’s probably the nicest guy in baseball and, by all reports, a good teammate. Sadly, he’s awful at hitting a baseball and it was fun to have a guy to pick on. I probably still will, especially if the Tigers are dumb enough to bring him back again. But again, I don’t hate the guy. I do, however, hate when Jim Leyland bats him leadoff, third, sixth, or anywhere but ninth.
Q: Are there any guys on the team that you DO hate?
A: No, but Brennan Boesch comes close. His swing is so slow that by the time he completes it, the pitcher is already winding up with the next pitch. He plays defense with the sense of urgency of a dead raccoon. He’s the shits and I hope him and anyone that owns a Boesch shirsey gets repeatedly struck in the privates by lightning.
As far as all-time, Juan Gonzalez is probably at the top of my disliked players list. But for anyone in Tigers history, Randy Smith is by far the worst. That man ruined my twenties. Luckily, I don’t remember much of them thanks to booze.
Q: Anyone you actually like then, Mr. Grumpy Pants?
A: Most of ‘em, actually. Miguel Cabrera’s not the most original choice, but now that Magglio Ordonez is retired, Big Mig is my Tiger. The man is a hitting machine and the greatest Tiger player since Ty Cobb. I hope that Detroit fans appreciate what they get to see on a daily basis. I know I do. I lived through the teams of the 90’s and early 2000’s. I often look back on that time and spontaneously start weeping. After Cabrera, Austin Jackson would be my next favorite. Love the kid.
Q: Who is on your Mount Rushmore of Tigers?
A: As far as legends go, personally it’s Cobb, Kaline, Harwell, and Sparky. Most probably wouldn’t agree, but when I think of Tigers history, those are the four that immediately pop into my empty head. No disrespect to any Hall of Famers of years gone by intended. As for my personal favorites, it’s Maggs, Alan Trammell, Kirk Gibson, and my favorite player of all time…Bobby Higginson. Shut up.
Q: Really? Higginson? LOL. He sucked.
A: Fuck off.
Q: I notice you curse on this blog. Why? Not very professional.
A: Mentally, I’m still fifteen years old. I find it hysterical in the right context. I do promise to try and keep it to a minimum, though. Crybaby pussies. And I don’t get paid for this, so I have no concerns with being professional. I’m just trying to be entertaining. If you don’t like it, go read Rick Reilly’s pandering horseshit.
Q: What is “FJM”?
A: FJM stands for “Fire Joe Morgan”, a retired baseball site that took on the worst in sports journalism and ripped the articles apart using logical thought, humor, and facts. It’s probably my favorite website of all time and I miss it every day. It’s also my favorite pastime in writing to tear apart whatever drivel guys like Bill Simonson, Mitch Albom, or Jerry Green have written about the Tigers. They’re terrible and deserve it. I realize that I’m no Ken Tremendous when it comes to the FJM style, but I do my best and people seem to enjoy it. Especially with Simonson, since he’s such an insufferable dickbag.
Q: What do you have against the Detroit media?
A: It's not all of them. Matthew Mowery, Chris Iott, and Dave Hogg do an outstanding job. If you’re not, I suggest following them on Twitter immediately. Kurt Mensching, now that he’s writing for the Detroit News in addition to his Bless You Boys stuff, is also great, but I really don’t want to include him because he’s a fan of soccer and the Green Bay Packers. I just get the feeling that the majority of the major Detroit writers would rather be writing something wrong and/or ridiculous and get more page hits than actually write a logical column with actual facts. Most of the blogs do a much better job covering the team. It's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it?
Q: If you don’t like them, why do you mock them? Just don’t read them!
A: As a Detroit Tigers junkie, it’s almost impossible to NOT read them. And when I do, I tend to get angry. Then I mock them to entertain myself and others. If you don’t like it, then don’t read ME. Geez.
Q: What about Lynn Henning?
A: I hate to break it to you, since everyone seems to like to pick on the guy, but I actually don’t mind Henning most of the time. He’s insightful and often realistic, even though he often comes off as depressed 15 year old girl that cuts herself (especially on Twitter). The guy has his sources and always seems to know what’s going on in Dave Dombrowski’s head. He’s sure a lot better than the Drew Sharps and Terry Fosters of the local scene. Then again, I’m the only person on the planet that doesn’t hate Skip Bayless. What do I know?
Q: What else can I expect to see on TigerSnark?
A: Skits with exaggerated caricatures of Tigers players, past and present, in humorous settings. The same with other teams, on occasion. A feature called “Catfight” where we compare two players or teams, trying to decide which is better…usually in the dumbest way possible. Rosterbation. Childish nonsense. Reports from Comerica Park, since unlike some other Tiger writers (coughKURTcough), I actually go to Tigers games. There will also be the occasional insightful piece…believe it or not, I’ve done them. Pitch-by-pitch game recaps with plenty of bad jokes. Some new stuff is being planned, too. I’ll try to keep it circus-like…if you don’t like the trapeze act, maybe the lion tamer will entertain you. If not him, perhaps the bearded lady. Better yet, let’s shoot Boesch out of a cannon! Into a brick wall! Everyone can enjoy that!
Q: Can I leave comments?
A: Of course, but please keep it civil. Do no launch personal attacks on other people. That’s my job. I have little patience for stupid people, so if you have something to say, make it worth your time and mine. That’s all I ask. I love hearing from folks about stuff I write or anything Tigers-related. I’ve heard from people from all over the world and have really been touched by some of the emails I’ve received. I’ve gotten my share of hate mail, too. Looking at you, guy that went to college with Don Kelly. Learn to take a joke. And if you see or read anything great or terrible online that’s Tigers related, send me a link.
Q: How can I contact you to tell you how awesome you are?
A: My new email address is RogoTigerSnark@gmail.com and I can also be reached on Twitter at @DNR_Rogo. No, I don’t plan on changing that handle any time soon. Holdin’ on to my roots, son!
Q: Can I write for TigerSnark?
A: Sorry. I’m not interested…nothing personal. I’m a control freak and this is my baby. If it sucks, I want it to be my fault. If it’s good, I want to be the reason, too. GLORY HOG, that’s me! If you think you’re good and have something to say, start your own blog. Let me know. I’ll plug it if I like it. Jeebus knows we need more decent Tiger sites. Many of them are more boring than watching Tigers Weekly.
Q: I’m not convinced that this site is worth my time. Do you have anything you’ve written that you’re particularly fond of?
A: That’s a tough one. Many people loved this bit I did onhow the Prince Fielder signing REALLY got done. Here’s the Opening Day thing that I did that Deadspin and Hardball Talk picked up on that angered a lot of folks for some reason. Here’s a “serious” one I did on Timo Perez, a guilty pleasure of mine. And as for my favorite, it was this one after Miguel Cabrera’s arrest. It’s the most honest and personal thing I ever written and something that I’m quite proud of, especially when considering how most "real" writers handled the situation.
Q: What’s your opinion of Jim Leyland?
A: I’m indifferent. I think he’s the best in baseball at managing his players and keeping their egos in check. On the other hand, I think he’s stubborn to a fault with his often ridiculous lineups, in-game decisions, love of bunting, and bullpen management. I don’t think he should be fired, but I wouldn’t be broken hearted if he left, either. I know this is odd since most people either want him around forever or shot in the face. To me, he’s a manager. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s up to the players to produce.
So there you have it. I plan on updating a few times a week in the offseason. During the actual season, business will pick up. I think and hope that it’ll be a fun time.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thanks for being Tigers fans. It’s good to be back. Bookmark the site. Check back often. Tell your friends.
The asshole is back.
Until my kid falls down a well or something…