Monday, July 27, 2015

Epilogue: Unanswered Questions

Hey. How have you all been? That’s nice. Anyhoo…

I happened to meet Mike Ilitch back in 2000. He shook my hand and asked me how I was. I said, “I’m good, sir, but I’d be much better if you fired Randy Smith.” He didn’t respond and quickly walked away from me for some reason.

If I were half as cranky back then as I am at this team 15 years later, Mr. I would have probably had to have called the cops on me.

With the exception of wondering if JD Martinez was a fluke last year, every other fear I had about the 2015 Detroit Tigers back in April has come true. The bullpen is still a nightmare. Verlander is still broken. Cabrera’s health is a problem. Victor wasn’t ready to come back and his contract was a mistake. Nick Castellanos still isn’t ready. Alex Avila is a zombie. Simon was a terrible idea. Rondon still isn’t ready and maybe never will be. Tigers – Fister + Ray – Ray + Greene = Stupid. Brad Ausmus is still a moron. Etc, etc, etc.

Now I’m just a regular clown like anyone else. Why was I able to see all this coming and Dave Dombrowski didn’t? I was hardly alone in my fears. Nonetheless, this season has been a waste and for the first time in 30 years of watching this team, I have done something odd.

I have stopped watching.

Monday, April 6, 2015

TigerSnark Power Rankings: Opening Day 2015

Opening Day is behind us and the Tigers are off to a TORRID 1-0 start behind the amazing pitching of David Price. Sadly, Price will not start every game for Detroit this season, so it won’t always be this easy.

But perhaps more important than the team’s win-loss record is the TigerSnark Power Rankings, a complicated list of each player on the 25 man roster and where they rank on my personal preference list. I mean, how would Tigers fans know who to cheer for and who to send mean comments to on Twitter without my input? It’s a science.

I’ll update this list periodically throughout the season as I have the attention span of a sugared-up toddler and change player allegiances quicker than a teenage girl changes celebrity crushes.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Ausmus Voices Some Early Concerns

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hey, Brad. Just checking in. You hear it’s up in the 50’s in Detroit? Heck, we might hit 70 by Opening Day if we’re lucky. I tell you, there’s nothing quite like Spring in…
BRAD AUSMUS: You’re trying to make me insane, aren’t you?

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The Pessimistic Guide to the Detroit Tigers Spring Training

If you’ve spent any time on the internet in the past month, odds are you’ve run across someone posting constant reminders on how many days until pitchers and catchers report. Spring Training is coming, huzzah! Hooray for Grapefruit League Action! (INSERT PLAYER HERE) is feeling great and ready to win a championship!

This is because people every year seem to forget that Spring Training is long, boring, and annoying.

“I’m in the best shape of my life”, we’ll hear countless times. Recently injured players always feel 100%. Guys who have struggled in recent times are looking better than ever. The manager and coaches will tell reporters that players that have never produced are now knocking the cover off the ball. The rarely televised games will see actual MLB players out of the contest by the 5th inning in most cases.

Basically, Spring Training is the month-plus of lies and nonsense leading up to actual baseball in April. If you’re an eternal optimist, incredibly gullible, and/or a reporter getting paid to be in Florida instead of Michigan in February/March, I guess it’s a nice time. For me, though, it’s a month of reading and hearing things reported that I can’t understand any rational human believing.

So instead of the sunshine and puppy dog tails that you’re likely reading everywhere else, let’s flip Two Face’s coin to the other side. What DOOM and GLOOM are waiting for us in the upcoming months?

Let’s examine these nightmares in our Official Pessimist’s Guide to the Detroit Tigers Spring Training!

(Note: Since roughly 80% of the Tigers fanbase seems to have the sense of humor of Bill O’Reilly watching The Daily Show, this is where I must remind everyone that this is mostly for entertainment purposes. Sigh.)

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Keeping Score: 2006 ALCS Game 4, A's vs Tigers

On occasion, I’ll sit down with my laptop and do a running stream of consciousness thing as a game goes on. I call it “Keeping Score” because I’m unoriginal and/or not very bright. It's been a while, but past games I’ve done can be found here, if anyone is interested.

Since there’s not a lot to talk about quite yet, I thought I could do a few of these with some big games from the past. A couple weeks ago, I got a DVD set called “The Essential Games of the Detroit Tigers”. Included are Game 5 of the 1968 World Series, Game 5 of the 1984 World Series, the final game at Tiger Stadium from 9/27/99, and Game 4 of the 2006 ALCS. I also have a DVD of Justin Verlander’s first no-hitter sitting around here somewhere, too, that I’ve never watched.

I decided to begin with the 2006 game. I’ve never seen the television broadcast of the game since I was in attendance for it. The night before, I dropped something like $650 for a pair of tickets in the third row down the third base line. After over 20 years of watching the team play mostly bad baseball, if they were going to make the World Series, I wanted to be there. It was worth it.

Enjoy. I hope it brings back some fun memories.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Back From the Dead

After six long months, our national nightmare is over. Daddy has come home. Tell your friends.

Howdy, jerks. Welcome to TigerSnark, possibly the only voice of reason in online Detroit Tigers writing. Due to a toxic combination of personal reasons, apathy toward the team, disgust with the media, Don Kelly taking up a roster spot, and the leftover bitter taste of the Doug Fister trade, this site has remained dormant for half a year. I’ve decided to give it one more shot.

For the uninformed, this blog is an attempt at a humorous look at the Detroit Tigers baseball team and those that cover it. Try not to take it too seriously. I’m writing this from Toledo, Ohio, a 45 minute drive from Detroit, which is famous for its undrinkable tap water, unnecessary road construction, and the world’s largest collection of poor tattoo art…usually on the neck. (I basically live in the world’s largest Walmart.) Our mayor dropped dead last week. Welcome.

In the coming weeks leading up to the season, I plan on revisiting some games from the past, getting caught up on the past six months of news, and putting focus on the upcoming season. Unlike last year in the wake of the Fister debacle, I’ve come to miss baseball, miss writing about it, and am looking forward to the upcoming campaign. But first, I want to address an issue that shows no signs of improvement. This issue is the ongoing disconnect between many fans and the media.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Ten Reasons Why Tigers Fans Are Not "Spoiled"

I'm kind of a jerk and I don't think it’s any secret that I'm easily annoyed by the majority of the Detroit Tigers fanbase. Any time I attend a game, the conversations of the Inge jersey wearing mouth-breathers around me leave me wanting to jump off a bridge. The comments I read on the Detroit News, mLive, or other popular news sites are often mind bogglingly stupid. Sports talk radio is an abortion. The illiterates that populate Twitter make me weep for the future of the human race. And where were all these people in the late 90’s and early 00’s when I sat in an empty stadium so many times a year while watching clowns like Felipe Lira and Shane Halter play?

Obviously I don’t mean ALL Tigers fans. I’ve been lucky to meet and connect with many intelligent people over the years. And maybe I’m a little arrogant about what I expect out of my fellow fan (know who’s on the team, hate bunting, have an IQ over 80, etc). And is my belief that any fan that participates in the wave be immediately stoned to death a little extreme? I don’t think so. But possibly, I guess.

Yet I don’t think the fanbase is spoiled, as my friend Kurt at Bless You Boys put it the other day. He’s wrong, in my humble opinion. And here are 10 reasons why.